28

Sep

The Power of a Secret

the power of a secret

Earlier this week, I found out my friend was sexually assaulted. I blogged about it.

I didn’t know what kind of discussion would follow. 

See, the thing is, most people don’t talk about sexual abuse. 

But one of my friends has. He decided that it was time to stop keeping secrets and went public with his story of sexual abuse. The Washington Post picked it up and the world listened. I would encourage you to read it as well. 

Right after his column ran in The Washington Post, he wrote a piece for my Keeper or Creeper series. It’s so good that I decided to republish it. 

If you are a victim of sexual abuse, please read it and take heart. 

You are loved.

You have worth.

And you don’t have to keep secrets any longer.

- Caitlin

     + + + 

Talking relationships has always been one of my favorite subjects, so when Caitlin asked me to be a guest blogger on her Creeper/Keeper series, I was excited about the opportunity.

Little did I know my life would take a dramatic turn the following week.

The child sex abuse scandal at Penn State hit close to home for me because I was also sexually abused as child. After watching many misinformed people write and speak about a subject they clearly didn’t understand, I decided to speak out publicly for the first time. I wrote a column that was printed in The Washington Post, and later at other newspapers around the country.

As a journalist, you might think this made me feel great – and it did to a certain extent. But more than anything else I felt uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Child sex abuse isn’t a topic that gives you the warm fuzzies, so most people avoid it.

I did for more than 15 years.

It wasn’t until I was on the cusp of my first serious relationship at the age of 23 that my own memories boiled to the surface.

Suddenly a thought hit me: Maybe I should tell someone about this baggage I’ve been carrying around.

“Nahhh,” I thought to myself. It doesn’t matter. That was a long time ago. It doesn’t affect me.

But deep in my mind I knew – somehow – it was still affecting me. Now that I’m on the other side of counseling, I better understand that it was having an impact on me in ways I can’t fully explain to you. I just know that it’s part of what makes me who I am. It’s one of the “unchangeables” about me.

That’s why people should know. As I thought about that in the context of a relationship, I realized that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t want a potential spouse keeping that kind of secret from me. Yet that’s what many people do.

Since my column was printed, I’ve talked or emailed with many people who have never told anyone they are a victim of child sex abuse. Many have been married, some for decades, and still never told spouses about the abuse.

Huge mistake. These kinds of secrets can be deadly to a relationship, and they only get more toxic the longer you keep the secret.

As things died down after my column was printed, my mind drifted back to what I would write for this blog. Only one topic filled my mind: keepers don’t hold secret baggage. 

One my favorite quotes says “Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.” I look at emotional scars the same way. If unpleasant information coming out causes a relationship to splinter, it was doomed to failure anyway.

Just get it out there.

Don’t misunderstand me. I know it’s hard. I know it’s uncomfortable. I know you’d like to do anything to avoid that conversation.

But if you’ve found the right person, often the disclosure will only pull you closer together.

It’s actually a very important test. Yes, I know it usually can’t and shouldn’t be a conversation that happens at the beginning of a relationship. But when the time comes, gather your courage and do it. Don’t put it off like that root canal that you’ve needed for the last 10 years.

Ask God to show you the right timing and the right way to bring it up, then off the fear and go for it. Remember, “God has not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind” (2 Tim. 1:7).

Being a keeper involves being honest and transparent – always.

You’ll find it better for you, and better for your significant other….And you just might be surprised to find that sharing your deepest scars will turn out to be one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to build trust in your relationship.

If you are a victim of sexual abuse, tell someone. Don’t keep the secret any longer.

You can contact the police or talk to someone at National Sexual Assault Hotline.

 

 

What keeps you from telling your secrets? Have you ever shared a huge secret with your significant other?


 

photo credit: marcelo-moltedo: ” En el pais de los sueños… via photopin cc

238 days ago Short URL 1 Comment

Faith/Keeper or Creeper

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18

May

I Want That

Today, my Twitter buddy Cory Copeland takes over the blog, sharing a very sweet sentiment. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. – Caitlin

The Bings

I have admired a number of relationships over the years; George W. and Barbara, Fred and Wilma, Jerry and Elaine, and especially Sherlock and Watson. But one particular relationship I’ve revered and respected unlike any other is one that was built on friendship and mutual respect.

This couple laughed and had fun, fully loving each other the way a man and woman should. I’m, of course, talking about Chandler and Monica Bing.

Over the course of the ten years we were able to witness their interactions, Chandler and Monica’s relationship was of cosmic, organic origins that grew from neighbors, to friends, to best friends, to lovers, and then into husband and wife.

Watching these two characters (yes, I realize they’re fake) grow closer to each other was something pleasant and inspiring to behold.

By the time they moved to the suburbs and adopted newborn twins, I knew I would one day want something very similar to what these two had (I have it now and couldn’t be more blessed).

I remember seeing them high five after a joke and wondering if I’d ever be blessed enough to have a girlfriend cool enough to want to slap me five (I’m still working on her). I recall seeing them face struggles together as a team and realizing that this is the way a relationship should work (I realized while writing this that my own mother and father did this my entire life, but you guys don’t know them, so…).

And while looking back over the course of Chandler and Monica’s ten years together, I see that the basis for everything they were was built on friendship.

Before they were ever lovers or spouses, they were friends. I wanted that.

It’s no secret that relationships are not a walk in the park. They’re work and they’re frustrating at times. I’ve been blessed (cursed) to have been through and learned from every type of relationship there is, and I must confess that above everything else, a couple must be friends.

Depending on the level of the relationship, it’s likely that we spend a large majority of our time with our partner.

We sit and talk, we go out, we take trips; so to be in the constant company of another human, it’s best if we’ve developed a friendship on which our romantic relationship can grow. After all, without friendship, a relationship is just two individuals making out from time to time.

But like Chandler and Monica, building our relationship on a foundation of friendship allows us to do and be things we otherwise wouldn’t be able to.

Whether it’s spending hours upon hours together (which is hard to do sometimes; let’s be honest), to communicating to each other what the other is feeling. Without a solid friendship in place, these things can lead to frustration, anger, and loud, rambunctious fights that wake the neighbors and get the Po-Pos called on you.

Now, I’m not foolish enough to believe that a couple who are friends first will never fight. After all, we fight and argue with our friends on a regular basis, and even Chandler and Monica had their tiff every now and then, but I do believe that if we choose to build our relationship upon friendship, the romantic side of things will be sweeter and much easier to deal with.

Maybe we’ll never have a relationship like the Bings (it was manufactured by a room of writers after all), but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn from what we saw transpire between those two.

Yes, often times a romance starts before a friendship can blossom, but that just gives us extra incentive to develop and mature that relationship so that the romance is enhanced and even more deeply cherished.

Being friends won’t guarantee us a relationship like we saw on “Friends”, but it will give us a fortified base on which our relationship can flourish.

And somewhere, somehow, Chandler and Monica would approve of that.

 Are you a “friends first” type or a “you can get to know me over dinner” person? What TV relationship makes you say – I WANT THAT!

Follow Cory on Twitter at www.Twitter.com/Cory_Copeland Check out Cory’s brand new novel, “These Were the Nights” here: http://corycopeland.net/these-were-the-nights/

photo credit: quicheisinsane via photo pin cc

371 days ago Short URL 3 Comments

Keeper or Creeper/Love

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11

May

Lessons Learned From a Distance

Today, Monica shares her story of being in a long distance relationship. It’s not something she ever wanted or looked for, but she suddenly found herself in the middle of one. As someone who has been in a LDR, I can appreciate the lessons that she shares. Enjoy! Caitlin

 
Long Distance RelationshipsI never imagined myself to be in a long distance relationship. Ever. Why? Because I like hugs.

Yes, I’m completely serious.

Long distance relationships weren’t an option for me, and were a non-negotiable for my boyfriend, Roberto, too. We’re both physically affectionate people, and I wasn’t sure if I could go for that long in a relationship without getting big bear hugs.

God wasn’t having it, though.

We made our plans and He laughed at us and brought us together anyway. Though being so far apart really sucks sometimes, we’ve found it to be a blessing in our lives. It has also been a great opportunity to learn about relationships both near and far. Some of the hardest and most important things we’ve learned are …

1. Communication is a pain in the …

Everyone says that long distance relationships really teach you how to communicate. Everyone’s right.

Sometimes sarcasm doesn’t translate very well over text message – I learned that one the hard way. Not being face-to-face means having to work extra hard to understand the message that your partner is trying to get across to you. It also means being very clear, spelling things out, and repeating things more than you normally would. Miscommunication happens in every relationship, local and
from a distance, but it’s crucial to remember that you’re both in this together and it’s just as difficult for your partner as it is for you.

Give grace.

We’re both in this together and we’re learning about each other’s means of communicating. We’re also learning to listen more and speak less; or, at least, not speak at the same time.

2. You’re not in the same place.

I know, I get the Captain Obvious Award for making that statement, but I’m talking about a bit more than just the obvious.

I’m 3 hours ahead of Roberto, which means he’s normally coming home from work in LA traffic as I’m getting ready for bed. He could be in a great mood after an energetic workday and he’s excited to talk to me, unwind, and be silly after a long day. Roughly 2500 miles north, I’m exhausted and sitting in bed in my dark room in a relatively quiet house. In a setting like this, we tend to clash.

We’re not in the same place.

Since we’re not in the same space, we may not be in the same place mentally, emotionally, or physically. It can be really hard to grasp this, but it’s so important. Understanding where your partner is will help you communicate better and not get on each other’s nerves unnecessarily.

I repeat, communication is a pain in the …

Give grace.

3. Be intentional with your time together.

Whether it’s in person, on Skype, or over the phone, be intentional with how you spend your time together. Sometimes Roberto and I get caught up in just keeping up with each other’s days that we forget to have meaningful conversation. And, as much as Skype movie dates are fun – what with the pressing play at the same time and dealing with faulty Internet connections – we’re learning to be more
intentional with our time together.

We don’t get to do life together so we have to come up with ways to learn about each other without observing each other in our natural environments.

Come up with new ways to learn about each other.

When Roberto and I first began ‘courting’, we came up with a long list of questions (both silly and serious) to ask each other and to discuss. Each question made for great conversation in which we got to know each other better, and we walked out of the conversation feeling satisfied with the time we spent together.

Over a year later, we still like to make time to ask each other questions because it helps us to get to know one another more intimately and is a great way to start purposeful conversation.

What questions would you ask your future spouse? Write them down. Ask them. Talk about them.

4. Live in the moment.

When I’m in a relationship I’m very guilty of spending all of my time with my boyfriend and, consequently, neglecting other friendships. I had a hard time dealing with that in a face-to-face relationship, and an even harder time in a long distance relationship.

Spending all your time together doesn’t make up for the distance, no matter how hard you try. Believe me, we’ve tried. It doesn’t change the fact that the person isn’t there with you. Don’t prioritize him/her above the life you lead now. Don’t live inside the computer and abandon everyone else for the sake of spending every fleeting moment with your long distance partner.

What ends up happening is that you lose touch with the community and friends and family that you should be doing life with. You distance yourself from those in your immediate community who care about you; you neglect them so as to invest all of your time into your partner.

Don’t put your entire life on hold to spend all of your time with that one person.

Roberto and I lead two very different and very separate lives, and it’s great. When you live your life, it gives you content. It gives you people and passions to invest in that you can later share with your partner. It allows you to stretch and grow and be challenged outside of your relationship and in ways that your partner can’t offer.

When you live your own life it allows you both to be more dynamic and to bring more into the relationship.

Live in the moment.

I’ve learned a lot from the past year of being in a long distance relationship. Above all, I’m learning to trust in God’s will for our lives. I never would have thought that I’d be in a long distance relationship with guy who lives in California - I wouldn’t know how to do it. But, I have been.

Practical lessons aside, I’m learning to walk by faith and trust that God is in control.

 

Monica GergesMonica Gerges is an introvert with extrovert tendencies, and passions for writing, people, and helping others share their stories. She blogs at www.reflectiverambling.blogspot.com about everything from her past to relationships to how God’s working in her peacefully frantic world. For the condensed version, you can find her on twitter @monicagerges.

 

photo credit: chiarashine via photo pin cc

378 days ago Short URL 8 Comments

Keeper or Creeper/Love

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27

Apr

Guarding My Heart Isn’t Easy

Picture of a leaf heartAbove all else, guard your heart for everything you do flows from it. – Proverbs 4:23 

For me, it started in middle school.

Crushes, blushing, giggly sleepovers full of gossip as to who likes who, drama… you know what I mean. Those hormones kick in and we start to notice that maybe boys don’t have cooties after all, and we start picking out our outfits according to what “they” would think is cool.

It all seems innocent until we let our imagination run away with our heart.

On my 13th birthday, my dad gave me a ring. Daddy told me the ring was to remind me of a few things, one of which was to guard my heart. And so began my journey of figuring out what exactly this meant and how to do it.

Our heart is our most vulnerable, sensitive, and fragile part of our soul. What we fill our hearts with determines what comes out of them (Matthew 6:21). And what comes out of them shapes our identity. Every choice we make sets a trajectory of how our hearts will respond in future situations. 

The condition of our hearts is evident in our everyday lives. Yet we don’t always realize how much of it we are revealing. Some parts are meant to shine through, yet some parts are meant to stay hidden only to be uncovered by one person.

We have to find a balance between being real and vulnerable yet wise and discerning.

But there’s also a thin line between fortifying the boundaries of our heart and locking it up in isolation to shrivel and harden. We have to keep our hearts soft and moldable, yet strong and discerning. 

The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart,…For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. – Luke 6:45 

Ultimately, learning to guard and focus our hearts is an individual process led by the Holy Spirit. We will never be able to shrink it down to a formula or step by step plan. But in the meantime, here are a few things that have helped me: 

-Find your treasure in Jesus

-Know your identity is in Christ and who He says you are (not in someone else or their opinion/approval)

-Combat wandering thoughts with prayer and the truth of scripture. Every time, a temptation or unhealthy train of thought enters your head, immediately counter it with a memory verse or prayer target.

-Know your weaknesses and don’t put yourself in compromising situations

-Journal it out. If that’s how you roll, getting it on paper helps organize thoughts and sift motives

-Be vulnerable with a mentor. There’s something about being honest and  accountable. 

-Trust His timing. In other words, maybe stop looking.

When our hearts are in the right place, we are free to be who God made us to be.

We become secure in our identity and live out our story without the fear or pressure of “making it all work.” Our confidence rests not in ourselves but the One who holds and forms our hearts.

And when our heart is focused and fulfilled in Him, everything else falls into place.

How do you guard your heart?

 

Rebecca DiadaggoRebekah Diaddigo is a modern day princess who loves Jesus, her family, and ballet. She has a BA in Communications from Thomas Edison State College and currently dances and teaches for the Atlanta Ballet. Her passion is to bring hope and dignity through dance with her latest endeavor, Bluebird: uncaged. Oh, and she loves chocolate. Visit her blog and follow her on Twitter.

392 days ago Short URL Comments

Keeper or Creeper/Love

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13

Apr

From Skype To Scared

love letter

Image via http://www.flickr.com/photos/xraijs/4650139651/

Those are song lyrics to Colbie Caillat’s song “Falling for You”, and for several months that was my theme song.

I wasn’t attracted to this boy the first time I talked to him – he was just a good friend for a long time. We met through mutual college friends, and started talking on Skype. Turns out we liked a lot of the same things, were both night owls, and laughed over the same videos on YouTube.

We talked quite often. Not face to face – he lived several states away – so Skype chat was our main mode of communication.

Online Dating

Image via http://www.flickr.com/photos/larskflem/95757299/

We sent photos to each other; of ourselves, our families, the area surrounding our homes. Soon that led to video chatting, or to talking in some form or another for most of each day. Hours and hours and hours we would talk, and that went on for well over a year. It was a bit insane, now that I look back.

For the longest time I thought of him as nothing more than a friend – and he was a good friend at that!

Then he started saying things about how much he loved talking to me, and how he’d always wanted to marry someone with my hair color. It was around that same time that I discovered that song by Colbie Caillat, and as much as I hate to admit it, I found myself in love.

What’s the catch? We hadn’t met in person, ever, when I fell in love with him.

I clearly remember the first time I saw him in real life. Those mutual college friends of ours coordinated a weekend event for several people to get together and hang out; I went, and so did he. It was a turbulent weekend. We didn’t mesh nearly as well in person as we did online, and I was hurt and confused.

In my hotel room after the first day of meeting him, I totally broke down and cried.

Here was the love of my life, or so I thought, nothing like the man I had talked to for the past year. Not that it was important, but he wasn’t near as cute as his photos made him out to be, and his character… scared me, to be honest. You know how you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat others, and how they respond to authority? Yeah. I could tell a lot about this guy by that…. and it wasn’t in a good way.

I can honestly say he creeped me out quite a bit, and I wanted to go home right then and not spend another minute together.

From Skype To ScaryImage via http://www.flickr.com/photos/kwerfeldein/2879955156/

I then started thinking back over the past year, realizing how mistaken I was for falling in love with this boy. He had seemed so real, so genuine, and I could easily see us spending the rest of our lives together. That weekend of our relationship being in “real life” found me so wrong. I remember my Mom cautioning me about the internet – how it was so easy for anyone to be anything they wanted.

I wish I would have listened to her, but the cool thing about life is that you live and learn.

I learned to be more cautious with my heart, not falling in love with someone before meeting them in person. I learned that there are creepy people out there, as much as I want to believe that everyone is just as awesome as they say they are. I also learned that I should examine my own “online persona” if you will.

Was I being the same person over Skype as I was over coffee? Or was I putting on a mask behind my profile picture? I can tell you it really made me think.

This love story doesn’t have a happy ending, except for all the lessons that I learned.

I’m optimistic that there’s a love story written for me that will end on a much happier note, and I’ll make sure he’s not a creeper before I fall in love with him.

 

Have you ever fallen in love online only to find out that the person wasn’t who you thought they were? How did you react? (And why does this sound like a question from the Maury Povich show?)

 

India Aderhold is a twenty-something who lives in the midwestern United States. She is passionate about reading, writing, teaching dance, and trying to live each day as if it was her last. She blogs about life and other things at http://www.indiacallie.blogspot.com

406 days ago Short URL Comments

Keeper or Creeper/Love

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06

Apr

Dear Sir, You Are A Creep!

Today’s post makes me furious. Not at Lauren but at the men who have treated her this way. But then the anger dissipates and I start to feel pity instead. God has called men to live so much better than this. Let’s all return to honor and respect. – Caitlin

 

 

I could explain that if you think I’m 17 and you’re 42, that you are not only a pedophile, you are also a creep, but you should know that.

I could explain that if the only conversation we’ve had involves you telling me how you beat some guys up last week, you won’t be getting my number, but I already turned you down.

I could tell you that standing within 2 inches of me and staring at me creepily will not get me to warm up to you, but I’ve already spilt some of my drink on you.

I could go over yet again why shaking me is not appropriate behavior after I’ve talked to a male other than you, but thankfully my male coworkers have.

I could just say that hearing yet another story about the new Star Wars video game you still haven’t bought drives me to tears of boredom, but thankfully my blank stare drove you away.

I could explain that spraying me with a hose when I wear a white shirt is beyond inappropriate, but I’ll probably just never wear white again.

I could explain that asking me to marry you over Facebook while you are 1. drunk, and 2. in a different country, is 1. hilarious and 2. really sad, especially when we’ve never spent time together without a counter between us, but you just don’t seem to get it.

I could say that God speaks to me too, and that I think He’d let me in on the fact that you’re my “future husband,” but I prefer slowly walking away.

I could pull you aside and say that blatantly hitting on me in front of your ex doesn’t show me you’re over her; it makes me wonder how you’ll treat me if we got together and then broke up.

I could let you know that I’m friends with the girl you were flirting with online while you were flirting with me and that it’s kinda sleazy what you did, but I prefer acting like it doesn’t bother me.

I could let you know that while remembering conversations we’ve had is cute, remembering conversations I’ve had with others is not.

I could call you out for randomly contacting me right after I upload a new photo that you said made me “a babe”, especially since we haven’t talked for 3 years, but I’ll probably go back to what we’ve been doing so far.

I could just tell you that when you ask me out to coffee instead of asking me out makes me automatically put you in the friendzone, because you didn’t just man up and say what you wanted, but I’m too busy being polite and thinking of 1 shot, decaf iced breves with a half shot of hazelnut.

I could smack you for saying the only reason I get good tips is because I must be doing “favors” for the guy customers, but, well, actually that is exactly what I’ll do.

I could let you know that when you come to work on your off days and mop and take out trash for me, I only think of how easy it is to manipulate you, but I really hate mopping.

I could let you know that when you call me “The Perfect Woman” that I don’t find it flattering; It actually creeps me out and makes me so wary of the pedestal you’ve placed me on, because I know myself, and apparently you do not, but I’ll just do a combination of avoidance and acting horrible in front of you so you’ll get it.

I could do all this and so many other things, but I won’t, because I know that you’re a nice guy who just doesn’t get it. And also, I’m not 100% certain that you are being creepy, or if you’re just being you.

And so I sit by, and let you continue to creep me out. I try dropping silent hints so that you’ll get it and move on. But you’re paying too much attention to what I am saying to hear what I’m not. And that’s on me.

Maybe you’re not actually a creep. Maybe I’ve just got an over inflated ego that makes me think all these guys are after me. But the thing is, pretty much every girl I know feels the same. So take a clue.

If I’m not responding with enthusiasm, not giving you even pity levels of interest, you’re coming across like a creep.

So to help those of you out who think you’re being the nice guy, when in reality you’re being perceived as a creep, let me actually say the things that I haven’t had the guts to say:

Stop being a doormat. Women are not looking for someone they can easily manipulate or whose only discernible skill is making them feel good about themselves; and if they are, you need to avoid those women like the plague.

Know your worth. Don’t be cocky or a jerk about it, but when you’re good at something, own it! And at the same time, if you can’t do something, there is no shame in that either. A man who knows who he is and is comfortable with himself is about a BILLION TIMES more attractive than a sad sack or a poser.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say. If you want to go out with a girl, ask her out. Do NOT try to trick her into it or “sneak date” her. No one wins.

It’s good to get that off my chest.

And yes, every single one of these things has happened to me. And yes, I wish I was making it up. Except for the mopping. That one was great.



Lauren Jean St. MartinLauren Jean is a missionary temporarily stuck at a desk in Minnesota. While waiting for her next opportunity to escape, she blogs, knits, tweets, and helps high school students. As soon as she can, she’s heading back to Mexico, because she’s fallen for the people and the tacos.

413 days ago Short URL 11 Comments

Keeper or Creeper/Love

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30

Mar

How To Find Your Soulmate In 3 Easy Steps

This week, my friend Michael is stopping by to share his thoughts on love. Michael has the heart of a writer and the sharp mind of a realist. He’s a starry-eyed dreamer with his head on straight. Someone who is more concerned with Jesus than religion. I’m charmed to have him on my blog. Please take a moment to follow him on his blog or catch up with him on twitter.  - Caitlin

What if I told you that I had an almost fool-proof method of finding your soul-mate? That, by using this method, the fairy-tale romance you’ve been dreaming of might come true? And best of all, what if I told you that this method was not a long, complicated form or incantation, but instead three steps?

I do have a method that is guaranteed to bring you happiness. Here are the three simple steps to finding your soul-mate:

1. Don’t make a checklist of requirements that they must meet.
2. Don’t obsess over romance or make obtaining it a defining part of your life.
3. Grow close to God.

Don’t be fooled by the apparent simplicity of this list—there is a good bit of information here to unpack. Let’s go through this piece by piece, shall we?

1. Don’t make a checklist of requirements that your soul-mate must meet.

Think of it this way: when you were a child, did you ever have that one thing you asked for at Christmas? It was the perfect gift. You could draw it with your eyes closed; it was supposed to look exactly a certain way, be a specific thing, and be just as you imagined it. Now, did you ever get this? In my experience, no.

What I did get was way cooler than what I imagined a lot of times. It was usually something completely different than I would have thought. It was almost like my parents knew what I would like/what I needed better than I did.

Now apply this to your perfect man. A lot of girls have a checklist for what their guy has to look like or enjoy (and a lot of guys have one for girls, unfortunately). They have to have brown hair, blue eyes, a six-pack, ruggedly handsome features, and a little dash of stubble. They have to enjoy reading Jane Austen, slow dancing under the moon, and be able to sing you original love songs in a heavenly voice.

Now, the odds of finding someone who fits all of your criteria are practically zero. By having this checklist, you are actually setting yourself up for disappointment when you find someone.

“Oh, he’s great…but he doesn’t have ___.”

So you end up settling and feeling somewhat shortchanged, when you should be being swept of your feet. Can you imagine Snow White being awakened by her true love, but being disappointed because his eyes weren’t the right color?

Now, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have standards. Standards are a must—the difference is this: standards are moral lines in the sand. They vary from person to person, but they are important to have. Here are a few examples: I will not compromise myself mentally, physically, or emotionally. I will not [have sex, kiss, whatever your personal boundary is] until marriage. Now compare those to the checklist above—see the difference?

One more note on this point: it is fine to recognize that you are attracted to certain features.

 For me, a girl’s smile and her eyes are two things that I absolutely love. Some people fine a certain hair color or skin tone more attractive than other hair colors or skin tones. This is natural; everyone has preferences.

The issue is when those preferences become requirements.

Talk to married couples—many will tell you that their spouse was not the ‘type’ that they thought they would marry, but they wouldn’t have it any other way.

2. Don’t obsess over romance or make it a defining point in your life.

I think we all know (or are) someone who makes their love/desire for love what they are all about. They define themselves and measure their success in life by their relationship status. This is not healthy! Yes, relationships are important, but if you are defined by your relationship or lack thereof, you are holding on too tightly to your relationship and are missing out on life.

There is so much more to life than dating/ courting someone; in fact, while seeing someone will be fantastic, if you are single, you have a ton of opportunities that you won’t be able to do as easily if you are in a relationship.

Don’t spend all this time pining away for a future life—embrace today and go live your life!

I would go so far as to say don’t even think about romance on a frequent basis. It deserves thought from time to time, but it really does you know good to feed something that isn’t being fulfilled right then. Song of Solomon puts it this way: “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” (2:7, 3:5, 8:4)

Plus, if you actually go out and have fun when you are single, instead of moping around all day wishing you were seeing someone, it definitely increases your chances of meeting someone.

3. Grow close to God.

If you are passionately in love with God and growing closer to Him, you will know when it is time for a relationship. If it is never time (Paul never was married), you will have a peace about it, and you won’t even care because you are where you are supposed to be! And if there is a soul-mate for you, who better to orchestrate that love song than the Great Conductor?

In the Bible, it talks about God caring for our needs. In Matthew 6, Jesus describes how we should treat our concerns about the future and life.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life…but seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (v. 25, 33-34).

Do not worry about what to eat or drink. Do not worry about your clothes. Do not worry about finding a soul-mate. God knows our needs, better than we know them. He provides us with exactly what we need, exactly when we need it, and He is a good Dad and gives amazing gifts–more than we could ever ask or imagine.

It sounds like stupid advice, but the best way for you to find your soul-mate is to stop trying.

Seek God and put Him first in your life; let Him be the defining factor in your life, not your relationship status. Do what He wants you to do. Keep an open mind to whatever God brings your way, and not have a checklist to screen His gifts through.

Okay, so I lied. These aren’t three easy steps. It takes some time and work. But it’s worth it.

What do you think? 

420 days ago Short URL 13 Comments

Keeper or Creeper/Love

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16

Mar

It Wasn’t Love At First Sight But It Is Love

Ashleigh and Jacob

It wasn’t love at first sight. It wasn’t a divine feeling that we were “meant to be together.” If I had to call it something, I guess I would call it “we met through a mutual friend and exercised together sometimes.” Glamorous, right?

Glamor aside, I can honestly say that I’m dating my best friend. We haven’t always dated, or always been best friends, but our relationship has grown stronger over time. We met over four years ago, during my freshman year, his sophomore year, at John Brown University. And this February we celebrated our two-year anniversary as an “official”
couple.

(You can read the some of the details about how we met, became friends, and waited until the right time to start dating here.)

I’ve always known that I shouldn’t let someone hold me back, especially when that someone is a boy with dreams that are not “up to par” with my own.

But what if the tables are turned and I have the potential to hold someone back from their dreams? I think there are really only two courses of action here: Either join them and support them 100%, or part ways and allow them to pursue their dream.

With Jacob, I choose option one.

(Ya know, the one where you join the person on an adventure in pursuit of their dream.)

Option one is the choice that might make our parents worry that we won’t ever settle down or have “normal” full-time jobs. But option one is the choice that will set us up for an awesome adventure. And if the time comes to stop pursuing the dream, we’ll know. (Read what Jeff Goins has to say about pursuing dreams here.)

Jacob has big dreams and passions, and a vision for pursuing those dreams. I’m so excited about joining Jacob in his pursuit of downhill bike racing because he is a keeper. He encourages me to grow in Christ, consistently builds me up, introduces me to new things, and he is consistent and reliable.

If it weren’t for Jacob, I would never have tried Ethiopian food, started mountain biking, taken a nutrition class, or fallen in love with mountains. Jacob and I find joy through a beautiful balance of lively adventures, serious conversation, and mutual friendships. We have a way of integrating my interests with his passions (but we have yet to try editing a manuscript while mountain biking).

My dreams aren’t as passionate as Jacob’s dreams, which is why we can pursue his freely and mine will follow me wherever I go. I hope to continue furthering my education. I hope to become a better writer, and also more business-minded. I want to continue doing DIY projects. I want get better at what I enjoy, and learn new hobbies and skills along the way.

But I’m so gung-ho about this adventure because Jacob is a keeper.

I never made any type of “checklist” for my “dream man” as a teenager, and I’m glad I never made one. I think it would have limited my thinking and my ability to see the future as a wide open space rather than something I need to narrow down and figure out. I wouldn’t have such a desire to seek new life experiences.

A lot of people have asked us why we aren’t getting married yet. The answer: We are in no hurry. Plus, Jacob is going to Colorado this summer to pursue his dream of downhill bike racing, and I’ll be in Arkansas taking classes for my MBA and working. We recognize that neither of us should give up our dream for the other person.

Jacob and I were friends for so long before we started dating, which allowed us time to learn how to be truly honest and open with each other. The trust we built during that time has served as an amazing foundation for our relationship.

And I know there is something beautiful and refreshing in that.

 

When you date, do you rush into the relationship or do you wait after you’ve forged a friendship?

 

 

Ashleigh DeanThis week, Ashleigh Dean is sharing her Keeper or Creeper story. Ashleigh graduated from John Brown University in May 2011 with a degree inJournalism and two minors: marketing and graphic design. She is currently pursuing her MBA at JBU and working as a freelance social media marketer for several companies.

This year Ashleigh resolves to grow in three areas: mind, body, and soul. These resolutions are not just a challenge for this year, but lifestyle shifts that will provide an ongoing improvement in overall health. Read about her 2012 resolutions here.

You can follow her on twitter @ashmariedean or follow her blog here.

Photo credits: Jenni Marie Photography 

434 days ago Short URL 7 Comments

Keeper or Creeper/Love

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02

Mar

Does Sacrifice Mean You Are Ready For Love?

This week, I’m excited to have my friend Jeff share his thoughts about love in the Keeper or Creeper series. Want to submit your own story? Let me know!

 

 

This past Christmas season, I was struck by an idea. One of those ideas you stumble across and wonder how you had missed it before.

What was the idea? Simply this:

If I’m willing to sacrifice everything for a specific young lady, then I’m probably not mature enough to be starting up a serious relationship with her.

Yes, you read that right. If you are willing to sacrifice everything for someone, this does not say good things about your relationship. For a fuller context, let’s jump back to the 2011 Christmas Season.

Since starting full-time work while finishing my English degree, Christmas means, among other things, a time of rest from the normal hecticness of balancing work, school, and the rest of life. (Translation: guilt free pleasure reading.)

Enter my Christmas reading: C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves. Having picked it up in a bookstore about a 18 months before, it was high time to read it.

One of the major thoughts underling Lewis’ insights is that love “begins to be a demon the moment he begins to be a god.” Applying this to romantic love (referred to as Eros), Lewis focuses on how it can have the force of religion. While shifting our focus on someone else, Eros can wrap us up in that person so completely that our ideas of right and wrong are changed.

Lewis puts it this way: “When lovers say of some act that we might blame, ‘Love made us do it,’ notice the tone…Notice how tremulously, almost how devoutly, they say the word love, not so much pleading an ‘extenuating circumstance’ as appealing to an authority.”

I’m tempted to write off some of Lewis’ description as rhetoric, except that I can see what he is talking about in my life.

Oh, nothing major, probably not even in ways that others would notice. They are still there though. For me, its the way I’ll let my emotions get out of hand. Savoring the bitter-sweetness of unreturned feelings, or cherishing the desire for that special gal that has to be out there. Either way, my attention is diverted from God and the way He is working in, on, and through me in the present.

Instead of having God at the center of my focus, I’ve moved my emotions in to fill the gap. Rather than sacrificing my emotions to God, I’ve sacrificed God to my emotions.

By this point you’re probably saying, “No duh, Jeff. Of course God should be at the center of our lives.”

I know that’s what I’d be saying if someone else had written this post. Do our lives show this to be a no-duh concept though? Right now, are you more willing to sacrifice everything in your life for God or for that special person who may or may not have showed up yet?

When we don’t get this right, we end up allowing Eros a chance at dictating what is right and wrong. When we do get it right, the stage is set to live life the way we ought, with our love for God overflowing into our other relationships.

Do you agree with Jeff? What have you sacrificed for love? What have you learned about love and sacrifice? 

 

Jeff Reid

As the oldest of eight children, Jeff has had no lack of interacting with people. After 23 years of life his driving passion is developing a thirst in others for understanding their beliefs and how those beliefs impact their lives. When not pouring over a good book, Jeff enjoys sports (especially Ultimate Frisbee), the great outdoors (translation: anything related to mountains), and making music (instrument of choice: Mountain Dulcimer).

448 days ago Short URL 7 Comments

Keeper or Creeper/Love

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17

Feb

To Be Honest

Radio

Being honest is hard work.

This last Wednesday, I had the opportunity to be on Grounded with Ryan Dobson.

Ryan is a fan of the Keeper or Creeper series on this blog. So when he needed a single girl to talk about the Christian dating scene, he asked me.

Awesome!

Kind of. Ish?

To be honest, it’s weird talking about your love life on the radio.

It’s hard keeping this blog sometimes. There are some stories you’ll hear in the interview that you won’t hear on the blog.

You’ll hear about my growing up years, my love for my family, and what got me blogging about my love life.

I don’t have a monopoly on truth. I don’t have all the answers. There are times when I’m 90% on the money and other times when my musings are completely off. But I write because I believe that all of us are broken and in need of God’s healing.

I write because I believe in Jesus.

I believe in that His love transforms.

I believe that when it comes to relationships, most of us don’t know what to do.

Many of us were raised in the church and have ideas but don’t know what they look like in practice. We’ve followed the rules and are slightly surprised that we’re still single. But in our rush to do things the “Christian” way, we forgot what it looked like to do things the God-centered way.

After a series of crazy dating experiences, I came across blogs by Joy Eggerichs, Ally Vesterfelt, and Lauren Dubinsky. There was this crazy awesome community called The Good Women Project.

And they rocked my world.

God started scrubbing the scabs off my heart. Blood had to flow before hidden wounds could heal. I had to deal with sin. The ugly things hidden deep in my soul that I didn’t want to talk about. It was amazing.

And I realized that if they could be brutally honest and get real about their faith, so could I. The truth of the matter is that I’ll never be Joy, Ally, or Lauren. I can only be Caitlin, flaws and all. So I blog to tell you what God’s doing in my heart. The beautiful things. The hard things. The things that only He can do.

As I started dating more, I realized that all of us fall into either the keeper or the creeper category. It’s easy to figure out which one our date falls into but it’s harder to diagnose yourself. After a very unfortunate date, I had to take a long hard look at the way that I had been dealing with sin in my life.

Or the way that I wasn’t dealing with it.

I could decry my date but what about my heart? There are some red flags that should never be ignored. But there are also yellow flags that tell just as much about you as they do your date.

Instead of running blindly, I started asking why. I started asking God to bring healing to my heart. Because even though I’d like to convince the world otherwise, I’m not perfect. I have my own set of issues.

Healing comes in vulnerability. Healing comes from repentance. Healing comes from Jesus.

My deepest hope is that the lessons I learn reverberate in the heart of someone else. That God uses my typings to touch their soul and bring healing the way that the words of other bloggers have touched my heart.

Thanks for listening.

Cheers,

Caitlin

462 days ago Short URL 8 Comments

Keeper or Creeper/Love

10

Feb

Love: What I learned by being wrong until I was right.

love

Image Courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/ideaablaze

Bethany Cox shares her story about love in today’s edition of Keeper or Creeper. I found myself nodding, shaking my head, and cheering when she finally found the love of her life. I think you’re going to like her story. Want to submit your own story for Keeper or Creeper?  Contact me!

My mother always told me that you will KNOW when you meet him. It’s common motherly advice right? I didn’t doubt her at all, I just didn’t know what KNOWING felt like.

Let’s start at the beginning shall we?

I am a HOPELESS romantic. I’m an eternal optimist about love and honestly believe that is someone specific out there for everyone. I know that true love exists and I knew this long before I had ever found it. I wanted what I have learned that a lot of girls want, someone to tell me that I was beautiful and not only on the outside but the inside too, that I was worth it, that I was doing things that he thought were incredible.

I wanted someone who saw in me, something worth investing in. By investing, I mean investing himself, his time, and his emotions. Most importantly I wanted someone who I wanted to invest in as well. I wanted to take care of someone. I wanted to help him accomplish things. I wanted to make his life better in some way. So… that’s what I want and that’s what I have been looking for all my life.

In high school I had a nice boyfriend. He was sweet to me, wrote me poems, took me on dates, and told me I was pretty. There was nothing bad about him.

I thought, “Ok… he’s the one. I found him. Mom was right. You will KNOW.”

I was wrong of course. I thought being nice was love. That’s not all there is to it. When I realized that I wanted something more, a connection that reached deeper than simply happiness, I parted way with him, that same day.

In college, I dated someone almost the opposite. Rather than being “nice” to me all the time, he was intense. An artist. A romantic. I tried to live our those other goals I had of helping someone. I wanted to make his life better. I wanted to invest myself in him and just make his darkness light. Looking back, I wish I could yell at myself and say, “YOU KNOW THIS ISNT RIGHT,” but… I know I wouldn’t have listened.

I didn’t listen to anyone.

My family each sat me down and told me that things weren’t right in my life and I ignored every one of them. Deep, deep down I knew something was amiss. Any semblance of God that I had in my life was completely thrown out the window. I totally ignored that part of my life. I made myself a complete doormat. I never stood up and decided not to take it anymore. I hate that HE was the one who ended it. I hate that it took me over 2 years to not wish for him back. That experience filled me with an emptiness that I wish on no one. I was yet again…. wrong.

You gotta get through the dark night though to see the sunrise.

sunrise

Image Courtesy http://www.flickr.com/photos/keithroper

Enter Christ.

This was a turning point of course. When you are that low and that alone, you realize that you have nothing else, not even yourself. I fell in love with Christ. I became someone that I liked again. I was ok with me.

It was a long journey and I know that it was a very personal one. If I hadn’t gone through this critical step, I would not have been where I needed to be when I met my husband Dan. God’s timing is perfect, even though it’s not what we always want. I was so lonely but I knew I was preparing.

I met Dan a month after I graduated college. He was so very different than anyone I knew, much less anyone I had loved before. Meeting him was like jumping into a clear mountain lake.

It was the most refreshing experience I have ever had in my life before and since. It was like smelling citrus and drinking iced lemonade on a perfect weather day with all the time in the world ahead of you. I had finally found that feeling of KNOWING that my mother had spoken about all my life.

He was…the one.

The way I knew was simple. There was nothing that had ever compared to him. I had nothing that I could compare him to in my past, but he still felt like home. It was like imagining your dream house, looking at your key ring, and somehow having a key to the front door. He was exactly what the Lord had been keeping for me all my life. There he was.

And here he still is.

My hope and prayer for everyone one out there lost or grounded, is to hold fast. I want you to KNOW that the Lord holds you and your heart close and he will not forget you. He knows your heart and he knows who he has for you. Just snuggle into the Lord and put your heart in his hands. They are the only hands worthy of that treasure.

 

Bethany Cox, PhotographerBethany (@BethanySpeaks) and her husband Dan are photographers and adventurers. Soon after getting married, they packed everything up and hit the high seas. In kayaks no less. They kayaked the entire East Coast, from Maine to Florida. (editors note: Umm…pretty amazing! Bethany inspires me. Even if she doesn’t know it.)

Bethany and Dan currently live in Boston. If you’re still reading, you should check out their website, get engaged, and then hire them to shoot your wedding.

You can also like their photography on Facebook.

 

469 days ago Short URL 3 Comments

Keeper or Creeper/Love

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03

Feb

If Only I Had Known! – Stephanie’s Story

It’s the return of Keeper or Creeper! I’m excited to share a fresh batch of guest bloggers with you. Their stories are inspiring, heart-wrenching, and full of God’s grace. If you want to contribute to the series, contact me and let me know.

Here’s Stephanie’s story. Enjoy.

Cheers,

Caitlin

 

If I could go back and talk to my younger self, there are several things that I would do differently before entering the dating world and during relationships. I was done with college before I had my first relationship and I was unprepared for what it would bring.

When I entered into my first dating relationship, I had no idea what to expect.

I certainly did not imagine that I would meet a much more emotional version of me. Frankly, it scared me on more than one occasion. I had always considered myself a fairly even keeled person but being in a relationship showed me how much I desired to be loved and understood. My world became wrapped around that relationship to the extent that I spent less and less time with friends or doing other things on my own. Even my work suffered.

1. Read Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart by Heather Arnel Paulsen.

Emotional Purity Cover

It would be best read before a girl enters into dating. For guys, this book will also help illuminate how girls interpret certain gestures differently than how they might have been intended. This book accurately describes how relationships often go deeper faster for the girl than the guy.

Girls automatically think long term whereas the guy might just be thinking about a friendship. Girls are also more emotional creatures by nature and thus are more easily devastated when the guy is not as serious as she is. I truly wish someone had given me this book before I started dating.

2. Strive for a proper work/life/relationship balance.

This is not easy. Friends and other activities are just as important while in a relationship as when you are not in one. You always need friends and they can be great resources on relationship topics. Utilize them! Friends can be candid with you when you are not with yourself.

3. Set aside alone time to truly listen to and define your inner thoughts.

Define inner thoughts

Image Courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/joelmontes

Instincts are given to us for our protection but sometimes we ignore them.  All too often I would rationalize why he did this or think “that was in the past, he is different now.”

I did not stop to listen to the warning signals inside of me and really ponder whether I should continue down this road before getting too deeply invested emotionally.

You have to know what you are willing to compromise on and what you are not. This means knowing where you stand on issues and how much you are willing to negotiate. Then be honest with each other about where you stand.

Clear and honest communication is imperative in any relationship and there is plenty to discuss.

If you are one who is not sure what kind of topics or questions to ask, there are great tools out there for prompting discussions such as Dr. Elsbeth Martindale’s Things to Know Before You Say “Go” conversation starter cards. A word of caution: the better you get to know someone the more attached you can become.

4. Realize that just because you love someone does not mean they are the right one for you.

I had this preconception that the first guy I dated would be the one I would marry and after 2 years of dating we parted ways on a sour note. Part of me was deeply shocked at how things had gone so awry. I wanted to retaliate.

Retaliation is never the answer. If you do, you will regret it. And it may turn into something that will haunt you. So despite how bad it hurts, resist retaliating.

5. Take the time to feel the pain, and heal. No rebounds.

This is the only way to truly learn from mistakes. In rebound dating, you are vulnerable to bad influences simply because you desire company, attention and closeness. This is another time to rely on friends, family and personal growth. Each lesson learned should help us grow as a person. Part of that growth is determining how to avoid making those same mistakes again. So take the time to learn and mature.

What are some of the lessons you have learned from your dating relationships?

Stephanie Ford for Keeper or Creeper

 

 

 

 

 

Stephanie Ford is an Oregon resident, 27, and single. Currently, she is working part time as she strives toward starting her own social media business. Her interests include: writing, photography, dogs, the Oregon coast, real estate investing, friends, and now blogging. To connect with her, go to: http://facebook.com/netwrkbutterfly or https://twitter.com/netwrkbutterfly

476 days ago Short URL 3 Comments

Keeper or Creeper/Love

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