Spiritual Scribblings

Confession: Sometimes…I Skip Church

by Caitlin Muir on Sep 7, 2011 • 7:00 am 29 Comments

I’m participating in a blog series hosted by Ally Spotts called Confessions of a 20-Something Christian, where 20-Somethings get honest about their lives, loves and regrets. My confession is…I sometimes skip church.

It started eleven years ago.

“We’re pregnant.”

Those words, spoken by my nervous older brother and his girlfriend, set in motion one of the biggest lessons of grace in my family. One that we’re still trying to figure out.

It also let me find out who my friends were. In the church we were going to at the time, grace was a card that wasn’t played. Legalism was the trump card, often under the guise of “godliness.” Once my brother’s secret was out, it was like the Red Sea parting. Happy chatter died down into whispers when the Muir kids walked in the room. It’s like we all had an infectious disease. People were free to talk about my family…when we weren’t there.

So I did the unthinkable in our small community. I stayed home from church. It was better than the awkward silence from former friends who just didn’t know what to do with me now that the family secret was out in the open. I didn’t know what to say either. So I just stayed at home.

For someone who had gone to church all the time (Sunday morning, Sunday night, Tuesday night, and Wednesday night)…it felt rebellious. And wonderful. But I didn’t skip every week although it was tempting. Just when I didn’t know what to do.

Should I hold my head in shame like people wanted me to or hold my head high with flashing eyes? But sometimes, I just wanted to close my eyes and wish it all away.

In the end, my family left the church. They got married. My amazing nephew was born. And I learned that everyone has stories. Everyone has a pain point. And grace needs to be given out like Halloween candy. But regarding church attendance…a pattern of sorts has developed.

When my soul is the most clogged, my heart the most confused, and things don’t make sense…I skip church. And honestly? I have no problem with that.

My siblings never got it but thankfully, my parents did. I wasn’t running from God. Sometimes I was but mostly, I was running from people. From pain. From the things that I didn’t understand. It isn’t always the best choice but it’s one that I have no issues with reverting to every once in awhile. Sometimes you just need away. From people. From noise. To God.

So what do I do when I skip church?

Nothing too scandalous. I don’t rob banks, go on wild trips to Vegas, or sit at home and play video games. I don’t fill my soul with junk and my body with junk food. I don’t go sky diving or swim with sharks. Although that might be fun for a change. I’m really not that fascinating of a person.

I usually do one of two things:

1) Head to water – It used to be the wild and cold coastline of Oregon. Now it’s a lazy river in Texas. I’m weird in that water relaxes me. I’ll sit, read my Bible, journal, pray. Do whatever I can do to invite peace back into my soul. There’s usually coffee and smeared mascara involved. Those are the days when I just need out. In nature. With God. The world isn’t changed when I come back from those experiences but my soul is.

2) Recruit others – Church isn’t just inside four walls, or so I remind myself. It’s the people, not the place. So I get devious. I invite a few choice friends on an adventure. We skip church, pile into the convertible, and head off on an adventure. But there are rules. We have to share what God is doing in our lives. And whatever is said in confidence stays there. God can speak into your life through the people you surround yourself with. Often, being real with a trusted friend is better than going to church out of duty. If I’m world weary, I grab my friends and go. That’s what community is supposed to be about. Meeting outside the church building and letting God show up.

The Bible is clear about staying in community.

It can be tempting to try to live out your faith as an island, the independent American who doesn’t need anyone else. But that’s a lie. Our souls crave community and were created to. Bad things happen in isolation. This isn’t a post advocating skipping church all the time. Just sometimes.

When do you feel like skipping church? Do you make it a habit?

Be sure to check out the other confessions on Ally’s blog!

http://www.facebook.com/BrittanyWellvang Brittany Jo

Dear Caitlin, just thought I’d pop over and say that you inspired me today! Thanks for your authenticity. Favorite quote being, ” grace needs to be given out like Halloween candy.” Brilliant.

http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

Hello Brittany Jo!

I just like saying that.

Missjessicalloyd

Boy, do I remember this…as well as my own being burned experience later… And yes, I skip church. I finally realized that, although important, church doesn’t trump God. And if it interferes with my relationship with God, then I need to stop and focus on that before I can go back to church and participate in group worship and fellowship. And sometimes, yeah, I just don’t know what to do. Lol. If only Christians could give more freely of grace…like Halloween candy, as you said.
I love you for posting this! And I love you for being brave through those fun jr. High times…

http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

The rub about giving grace like Halloween candy is that I myself have to be willing to give it out. I can’t just stand in the church vestibule and demand it like a spoiled child with a candy pail. My fists must unfurl, my jaw must unclench, and I must learn to exhale kindness. And be a member of the community that my soul craves.

http://jrobertlancaster.wordpress.com/ Robert

It’s my job to tell people not to skip church. I’m supposed to remind people, as you’ve done Caitlin, that the Christian life is lived in community, and I believe that church is one of the places where that is found. I also believe that the Sunday morning expression of church, while it does build community, is not primarily about community but about worship.

However, there are many times I want to skip church. Times I want to drive to the coast to just journal to pray. Times I don’t want to interact with the messy realities of my life and the lives of the people who come to church. And times I don’t want to stand up in front of people and preach to them truths that I might in the moment be struggling through myself. I want to skip because it can be hard to offer people what you are currently struggling to possess as their pastor.

But for me, it’s because I want to skip church that I go to church. For when I stand behind the table and proclaim, “The gifts of God for the people of God Take them in remembrance that Christ died for you, and feed on him in your hearts by faith, with thanksgiving” I am reminded again and again that it is not in our own power that we do or that we believe, but in the power of the One who loves us even when we don’t really feel like loving Him…

http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

I’ve often wondered what pastors do when they want to skip church. What a hard position to be in!

Thanks for being so honest. It’s good to hear.

//I am reminded again and again that it is not in our own power that we do or that we believe, but in the power of the One who loves us even when we don’t really feel like loving Him…//

http://twitter.com/caitlinloveowls Caitlin Faith

I love this, and so do I. I reached a point in my life when I realized that I was running away from God only because I was trying to distance myself from his followers. I needed a break. They were taxing my faith more than anything else, any choices I’d made or frustrations with God himself. I think on those days, it’s ok to withdraw to a quiet place and spend a little time with the Father.

http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

Yes! I think it’s okay to withdraw from people – even Jesus did – but it’s the coming back part that takes guts.

Hattie

At times I used to find myself thinking the same thoughts, and on a few occasions begging my mother or dad to let me stay home from church. But since we started having fellowship in our home, those feelings have vanished. (although even if I still wanted to skip once in a while, having church in your house doesn’t exactly allow you to stay home lol!) “Grace needs to be given out like Halloween candy” – simple truth and pure literary genius in one statement.

http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

Yes, church in the home does force community. That makes you face some of the issues that I shrink away from.

I still say get away every once in awhile.

Michelle

I’ve been skipping church for the last 5 years! It’s wonderful!

http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

That’s right! What about fellowship? Are you still attending that?

Michelle

No, no fellowship. No church of any kind.

Familyofdistinction

There is no excuse for the church not loving the church. The bible calls the church to love the church. Was it really legalism that caused people to speak in hushed tones or look away or were they just uncomfortable and unsure how to respond and act? You sound like a victim. Not so. Christ was the victim.

http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

You know, I’ve asked myself that question a few times. For my peers, I think a lot of it was just trying to sort their own feelings on the matter. They too had to grow in grace. It’s something that years later, we’ve discussed. But not everyone was that way.

Not trying to play the victim card. Just trying to lay my feelings bare. Thanks for sharing and bringing it back to Christ.

Brittany

Yes! I definitely have experienced this. My family has always been random church-skippers. And sometimes, when we’re tired and over-committed, just relaxing by the pool together is the best way to worship. And yes, Caitlin, there is something about water! For me it is the big Virginia river in my backyard or the pool (does that count as water? )

http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

Pools count as water! There’s something about just resting and dwelling with God that restores the dying part of the soul.

Jerod

Thank you for sharing, Caitlin. It’s funny how painful past experiences and the fact that we are broken people manifests itself to others. I don’t often physically skip church as that is where my friends are that I want to be with when weary. Mentally I will check out–head down pretending to organize notes and, if confronted, exchange the sweetest frivolities. This is my secret.

http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

…exchanging the sweetest frivolities.

That’s a way of escape people don’t like to talk about. Thanks for sharing your secret!

Maryjanesparrow

This is so me! I haven’t been able to get myself there this entire year! Sometimes I feel like people think maybe I’m “lost” but I still spend time with believers more often than naught and I enjoy Sunday morning alone and quiet. Trying to hear God’s voice again. For me the church drama got way overwhelming! -

http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

I’m glad I’m not the only one!

http://www.sandraardoin.com Sandra Ardoin

Great points, Caitlin. I loved your “rule” about sharing what God’s doing in your life.

When my daughter went off to college, I became concerned she’d get into the habit of skipping church every Sunday. This is her second year and, so far, I’ve been pleasantly surprised. She may not get there every week, but she’s taken that “fellowship” seriously, attending BSU and making Christian friends.

http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

The rule happened when I realized that lots of us were craving community. It’s a chance to get away and to get REAL.

So glad your daughter is getting that.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000125452004 Shay Elise Nicholson

love everything you write! keep scribbling away!

http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

Thanks, Shay! I can say the same about your blog!

Allison Rivers

A dear friend of mine does what he calls “pancake church” — he makes pancakes in solitude and spends sunday morning reading emerson.

http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

I have nothing spiritual to say. It just reminds me of a Jack Johnson song.

Laura

I too have been known to skip church. Sometimes phsycially, mentally you just can’t deal with the people, the routine, and yes the drama that Christians as humans bring with them.

But then I remember that I am called to love no matter how I feel. Maybe there is someone inside that church building who needs me to show them love more than I need to feel that love at that moment. You talk so much about community, but one of the largest parts of community is willingness to be vulnerable and to chose that community even when its hard. It is often times when I feel the least like going to church that God has a divine appointment waiting for me: the girl sitting in the corner by herself somehow worse off than I am. Its as if God has used the confusion/pain/termoil in my heart to make me tender to what she’s going through.

I often times cry at church on days like this. That one friend who I haven’t talked to in months tracks me down and asks me how I am doing and God’s love flows the other way. One time I didn’t even have one meaningful conversation with another human the whole time I was in the building, I couldn’t even tell you what the sermon was about, but my heart was so burdened with turmoil that it cried out to God and had its own discussion, right there at His feet. I think that’s why at the end of Hebrews 10 as he’s gaining momentem to motivate Christians to push hard in following Christ through tribulation, Paul reminds us not to skip out on that community.

So while I don’t think what you’re doing is wrong, I think maybe you should give it another chance. Give God a chance to shock you with the way He can work through His horribly flawed people inside the community He has built for you.

http://www.caitlinmuir.com Caitlin Muir

Laura, I love your heart. I love how you let your own hurts make you tender to the needs/pains of others. That’s how it is supposed to be. And I love the encouragement you are always giving me – especially when it comes to being steadfast.

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