Image courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/yuri-samoilov

I have a confession to make.

I’ve been guilty of judging churches by how hot the attendees are.

It’s true. If there are hot males my age, the chances are I’ll give that church a second chance. I’d be an idiot not to. I’m not a bar hopper so what better place to find a great guy?

Don’t judge. You’ve done it too. Walked into a church, looked around, hoping beyond all hopes that maybe you’ll find that magic combination of hot+holy.

Maybe the awkward handshake time will be redeemed by turning around and finding yourself staring into the eyes of your soul mate. Or some usher taking pity on your solo entrance and sitting you by the cute missionary to Jamaica who is home on furlough.

It doesn’t happen. Ever.

I was thinking about that last Sunday as I walked into church. Thinking about how logical, sane, and completely backwards that is. And how normal it is to fall into that thinking pattern.

The flaw is simple. The flaw is fatal.

When you focus only on meeting hot people at church, you miss out on meeting the holy Jesus.

Going church shopping always feels like a series of dates to me. You never know what you’re going to get until you’re there in the pew, staring at the people around you. Sometimes you go because you heard your friends rave about how great the church is and how you should give it a chance.

So you put on your best clothes, get on your best behavior, and nervously head out the door to discover if the church is “The One.”

Sometimes you know right away. Often, you don’t and you have to give it another chance. First impressions can be wrong. Something might be intriguing. You never know. If it’s a blind date, you bring up the person who set you up. What brought you there. Why you aren’t some crazy person who sits at home with their pet newts and writes sonnets in binary code. Whatever.

Dating is fun but after awhile you have to settle down. Be intentional and commit.

Shifting my focus from hot to holy is hard work.

At my last church, there was no giant single’s scene. I think that there were a few single men at the church but I didn’t stay there for them. I stayed because the Truth was proclaimed. Lives were changed. Dead religion had been replaced with a Jesus-shaped relationship.

I stayed because I found friends and mentors with other women. I was often the only single at Bible studies or events. It was weird at first but I learned a lot about life from my girlfriends at the next few stages. They have wisdom from their experiences. Their stories enriched my own. I miss them.

The church I’m going to now is full of beautiful people. Absolutely beautiful people. Men and women who love Jesus, others, and their stylist. If I were going to be a missionary, I’d want them to be my people group.  But I digress. In the past year and a half, my focus shifted.

I’ve changed.

Instead of my focus being on meeting hot+holy men, my focus is on becoming whole. On becoming holy. In discovering who God created me to be, embracing it, and investing back in the lives of other people.

I’m not blind.

I could also title this the part where “the readers bang their head against the wall and say WHY CAITLIN, WHY?”

Because the unthinkable happened on Sunday.

The church was crowded, I was sitting with a young woman I had just met. Neither one of us knew many people at the church and hit it off. Great conversation happened. The spot next to me was open for most of the worship songs. Then the usher came. And seated a really handsome man next to me.

And I ignored him.

Really. The whole service. When church ended and I had the choice. Ditch a new friend for a dude or continue to cultivate something that could end up in a nice friendship.

So I turned and talked to the girl.

I don’t want to be so wrapped up in chasing a what-if that I ignore the what-nows that are in my lap. Being like Jesus doesn’t mean you ditch your girls to land your man. Not on that Sunday morning. I’ve done enough of that in the past and I’m not proud of it. Talking to girlfriends, having a deep conversation started, and then get sidetracked by the cute guy three rows back.

I want to become whole.

I’m not giving up on dating. (Just pressing the pause button until someone fantastic comes around.)

I’m not miraculously becoming blind to handsome men. (Though that might be nice.)

I’m not jaded.  (Nope. Practical.)

I just want to become whole. The side effect is becoming the type of person you want to attract. Hot+holy. Both. Together. A keeper. Not a creepy person who always has one eye on the horizon, looking for their latest and greatest conquest. Now, in 2012, I focus on the whole.

Being whole means knowing that you don’t have to invite every person who turns your head into your life. (Choose wisely.)

Being whole means choosing to cultivate a friendship instead of always choosing to flirt with handsome strangers. (It’s okay to flirt though.)

Being whole means realizing that the most important relationship is the one between you and God. (No question there.)

What are you doing to become whole this year? How do you translate that desire into your dating life? How do you balance the whole hot+holy equation? 

Next week – return of the Keeper or Creeper guest posts! Be sure to sign up for my newsletter!

Image Courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/joshua

Another reader question. This one from a would-be missionary. If you have a question of your own…fire away.

Dear Caitlin,

I really feel like God has called me to work with orphans. I’m returning to an orphanage for a few weeks to help some kids out. The orphanage is in Sweden, a place that I absolutely love. 

However, my ex is going to be there. As a matter of fact, she’s a missionary at the orphanage.  I’m afraid it’s going to be awkward when I see her again. I love the kids and I really feel like God has me there, even if it’s not with her. 

Any ideas on how I should handle seeing her?

Scared in Sweden

Dear Scared,

I don’t think you’re that scared. You bough a ticket didn’t you?

You’re doing something you’re passionate about.  You’re taking a risk. You’re living out your faith. Those are incredibly hard things to do. So bravo! You aren’t a coward.

I’m not sure why you’re going to the same place as your ex. I don’t know if you want to get back with her, want to ignore her, or just want to move on with life. I don’t know how long ago it was that you broke up or how things broke off. You’re either incredibly brave or incredibly stupid. I don’t know.

But I do know something.

There’s nothing she can do that will wreck your life.  Nothing that she can say that will ruin your life. This isn’t junior high and she doesn’t have some magic spell that will wither your heart and turn it into dust. I’m assuming she’s not a Disney villain.

One thing I learned in my life last year is that when I “What if” my life, I’m sucking the energy from it. Especially when I “What If” relationships.

As Beth Moore says, “The I and the F in IF stand for two words. I fear.”  When you say “What IF it’s going to be awkward” you are really saying, “I fear that it’s going to be awkward.”

Why do you fear? What is it really that you fear? Deep down inside.

What’s the absolute worst thing that will happen? I’m serious. Think about it. Yes, things might be awkward.  I can almost guarantee that they will be. They should be. You lost the right to be friends in Happyville when you dated her. There’s no going back to that place. You might not know what to say when you see her for the first time. Fantastic, you’re human. You might wonder what she’s feeling. Probably the same mixed-up emotions. But having to work through those things will only make you a better man.

Cling to what you do know.

You feel that God has called you to work with the orphans. God isn’t leading you into a situation to destroy you. It sounds like this could be a hard but healing situation. Go into bravely. There’s no turning back now. And pray. A heck of a lot.

Cheers,

Caitlin

P.S. – On the bright side, if all does fail, you’re in Europe. If you do end up with a smashed heart, you can wander around aimlessly until you do find your true love sitting in a smokey cafe with a view of the Eiffel Tower. It works in the movies.

What advice would you give Scared in Sweden? Would you go somewhere on a missions trip if you knew your ex was going to be there? Why or why not?

And if you have a question, send it in! I won’t reveal your identity but I will make up some clever alliteration for it.

Image Courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/cdallot

This was a real reader question. I’m passing it on to you.

Dear Caitlin,

It seems like all I hear the women in my church and community talking about is how good guys are so hard to find. I’m really beginning to doubt. I know several guys just like me – great men you’d be happy to take home to meet the parents. Thing is, we’re all still single. It’s really made me wonder. If there’s really a shortage of good guys, then why am I still single?

Sincerely,

Sadly Single in St. Louis

Dear Sadly Single,

Unless you look like Captain America, the good guy act isn’t going to work for you.

Wait. This is an advice column. Sorry. Let me try again.

Women are fickle creatures. We want good men but we don’t know what that looks like in real life. We’re afraid that it looks like a boring accountant who wears Mr. Rogers cardigans, perfectly pressed pants, and a combover.

We’re afraid of being trapped in a dizzying world of vanilla. We have issues.

Part of it is because we don’t know any better. We’ve bought the lies of Hollywood for so long that we expect Prince Charming to look like Brad Pitt, even though we don’t look like Angelina Jolie. We’ve been told that nice equals boring. We’ve been told that the only good things come in super sexy packages.

We forget that people have flaws. That you don’t have to have a symmetrical six-pack in order to be perfect. That we’re all scandalously in need of grace.

The good news is that good women have learned to recognize good men. The girls who run around chasing the bad boys are just that, girls. They aren’t ready for a relationship. I know because I was one of them for a very long time.

Good women learn to encourage a sense of adventure and healthy masculinity. But they probably aren’t going to do that unless you are dating them. And while they may sigh and say there are no good men around, the chances are they’ve spotted one and he just hasn’t asked them out.

Don’t fall into the nice guy cliche.

Show your female friends what it means to love Jesus, have adventures, and be a dude. Take risks. Do manly things. Show them that you aren’t afraid to walk by faith. That you are committed to being a good man. Guard their purity. Praise their beauty.

And ask the one you fancy out.

Really. Because it sounds like there’s one that you like. Being a man is all about taking risks. You can do it.

You are the one who ultimately decides if you fade into the background.

Cheers,

Caitlin

© eVo photo, Creative Commons

I never knew I had a problem with forgiveness.

I thought that I was good at extending grace, even when my own soul was bleeding.

It turns out, I was wrong.

I was just good at faking it.

Really good. It took heartache, a few thousand miles, and bawling in a stiff wooden pew in a cold church in downtown Portland for me to figure that out.

Before I went home, I had been betrayed. Stabbed in the back by someone who smiled with their lips but not with their eyes. It was raw and it hurt.

Don’t Give Forgiveness The Finger

In public, I’d smile. I’d hedge the question or answer with a joke. But my soul was weary. Wary. I had been warned and I had still been burned. At home, I’d drop verbal bombs like a nation fighting to stay alive. The pain had to come out. Back in public, the smile would be pasted on. My friends could tell something was weighing on me but not everyone got the full story. Because darn it, I was going to forgive, forget, and be the better person.

“Don’t give forgiveness the finger,” I’d remind myself though clenched teeth. I’d will myself not to say bad things about them.

Only a handful of people saw me cry. Saw the pain seep out through my tear ducts and splash angrily on the planks of wood. For those people, I will always be grateful. They didn’t tell me it would be okay. They didn’t judge me for my anger, frustration, and choice words. They listened. They prayed. They loved.

But those were a small minority.

I flew back home. Home. The place where healing takes place. I went to church, ready for something to seep into my soul. For healing to take place. For something to grip me besides the numbness and the anger.

Just my luck.

The sermon was about loving your enemies.

Jesus, Forgiveness, and The Jerks

As the sermon began, I sank into the pew, my eyes wandering around, trying to find the cool hipster kids I knew once upon a time.

“And the text says, Love your neighbor as yourself.” Yeah, That. Good thing I had that covered already. Where were those hot hipsters?

Somewhere in the middle of the sermon, I started listening. John Mark was talking about enemies. The people who are jerks, out to make your life miserable. Even with a smile. Since most of us don’t have the guts to declare war on the people we dislike, enemies have turned into frenemies.

“Pray for your enemies.”

Really? Because last time I checked, I didn’t have any. I had a happy little life. Who cared if my soul was bleeding out? That was a mess that most people didn’t have to see. My version of forgiveness meant forgetting the knife was there and my wound was festering.

“Look, Jesus knew that there were evil people…you are going to bump into them in your life, that’s only a matter of time. You are going to bump into evil people…don’t try to get even or repay them with more evil.”

Wait, what?

Forgiveness is More Than Words

“Look for creative, healing redemptive solutions for conflict…God’s heart is healing relationships…look for justice in gospel-shaped ways.” John Mark started talking about living in an honor/shame society. About gospel-based ways of loving people and forgiving them. The idea of looking someone in the eye and actively engaging the person who is inflicting pain in your life in a non-violent way. In a way full of lavish generosity. Really, if you have the chance, listen in.

I was listening but I didn’t understand how it applied to me. No one had slapped me on my face, asked for the shirt off my back, or forced me to walk a mile with them. I had people I had issues with but I wasn’t oppressed like the Jews had been by the Romans. I knew jerks but seriously? Mine are first world problems. Ish.

“Make the choice to love and serve your enemies.”

That’s one that I could understand. It didn’t take rocket-science. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I picked up my phone and looked at Twitter. My pew mates glared at me. Didn’t they know that I had issues that I didn’t want to deal with? Seriously. I didn’t need them trying to be all Holy Spirit convicting. But I put the phone down anyway.

“Love the oppressor to show that you really aren’t oppressed. Make the choice to love. You are not the victim.”

That’s when I really started listening. Listening in my soul. Pieces of flesh started healing. The puss leaked. At communion, we were asked to pray blessings into the lives of those that had hurt us. Into the lives of our enemies. Because in doing so, our lives are often changed.

Before communion, John Mark had us do something different. Instead of praying to confess our sins, singing in worship, or passing the offering plate, he asked us to do one simple, horrible act.

Pray for our enemies.

And that’s when I lost it. I realized just how horrible I was at forgiving. How I wouldn’t really look for redemption. How I gave forgiveness the finger. And how it was only hurting me.

Praying blessings into someone else’s life isn’t easy. I wanted to clench my teeth and shake my fist. But instead, I cried. I fought to get those words out, even when I wanted to swallow them. Forgiveness is not an easy act.

I thought about Jesus. The cross. Being the same to Him. Being THAT jerk. He forgave. He blessed. He gave life.

In forgiving, I become more whole. More holy. I also reset my walk, adjusting my gait and becoming right with God and man. It’s not easy but it’s healing.

© Rev Stan, Creative Commons

Everyone has their words for the year. They post them proudly. ”See! This is what I am learning this year.”

In 2010, my word was change. And how my life changed!

In 2011, my word was love. And I learned how to love deeply. Even when it hurt.

This year, I’m almost afraid to post mine. They sound so stuck-up. Their true meanings have been forgotten under the grime of religion. They scare me.

My two words this year are righteousness and holiness.

Those don’t sound like fun words. But they are the two words that keep coming to my mind. The ones that I want to understand deeply this year. Not for their King Jimmy, indie, fundie, Bible-thumping meanings which were birthed in the twin horrors of guilt and shame.

But their simpler meanings. Their Biblical meanings.

Righteousness. 

Being right with God and man. Having healthy relationships.

Holiness.

Becoming whole. Mature. Perfect like our Heavenly Father. Becoming unbroken. Healed. 

I used to hear those words all the time. Once upon a time when I was a super conservative. When pastors would preach about hell and the flames of the lake of fire licking at the heels of degenerate sinners for all of eternity.

It’s a shame that such good words have been abandoned by the church today.

We ignore them. We shudder when we hear them. They remind us of death. Of funerals. Of men wearing ill fitting suits and trying to see Jesus like a used car salesman who needs to fill his monthly quota. They remind of guilt. Of rules. Of legalism. Of soul stifling hot days in stiff wooden pews, sweat beading down your forehead and sneaking in under the collar.

Righteousness and holiness are life bringing words. They speak of redemption, healing, and vibrance. It’s time to divorce them from death and remarry them with life.

Those are my two words for 2012. What are yours?

I’m not really one for making resolutions every year. After all, the only thing that will happen is that I break the resolution, get depressed, and try again next year. And thus the vicious cycle keeps a rollin’. Then my friend Liz blogged about her 12 for 2012.

And suddenly, I wanted to create my own 12 for 2012 list.

So here it is.

1. Find out what it looks like to authentically love Jesus and love others

2. Write more (And taking my own advice about setting realistic writing goals)

3. Swim a mile

4. Cross a few things off my old/boring/30 list

5. Revisit the past – start volunteering again, and get re-certified as a lifeguard

6. Take a cue from this book and be more intentional about relationships

7. Choose lovingkindness

8. Live with je ne sais quaoi

9. Climb a mountain

10. Seek creative, redemptive solutions to conflict in relationships instead of slapping someone with an “I’m Sorry.”

11. Donate a gallon of blood to the Red Cross and help save lives

12. Memorize a book of the Bible

There they are. My 12 for 2012. They aren’t particularly glamorous but they are mine just the same.

What are yours?

Silly me. While I was making espressos and watching the interview, she was thinking the opposite. “He’d be perfect for Caitlin!”

He didn’t get the job and I forgot about him for the most part. To be honest, I had my eye on someone else. Whenever he came in, I would give my assistant manager a wink. Couldn’t she see that they’d be absolutely perfect for each other?

Little did I know that while I was plotting his love life, he had designs of his own for mine.

We started dating in a cold December. The white twinkle lights in the bare branches of the trees that lined the streets of downtown seemed to make everything magical. Once we started talking, we couldn’t stop. Both of us in love with love and enchanted with the possibilities that were presented in the other person.

“What would you think if I were fifty pounds overweight? Would you still like me?” I asked one day as we sat talking in the car. My impishness and insecurities were coming out to play together. Never a good combination.

“What difference would that make?” he asked, concern clouding his kind eyes. He who had been engaged before, the older man, wise in the ways of relationships and dealing with women and their emotions.

I paused. I was nowhere near overweight. My question had been completely out of left field. “Wouldn’t you be bothered?”

“Katies,” he said. “If you were overweight it wouldn’t make a difference. Fifty pounds…well, that would show that something else was going on. But if we’re talking a little chubby, like fifteen pounds, it wouldn’t bother me at all. You’re still you. And if it did, you wouldn’t want to be with me anyway. I’d be the problem.”

He paused before continuing, “You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you for who you are.”

I melted. The perfect answer.

What he said lingered far longer than our feelings for each other. Time, distance, and different life dreams took us to different sides of the world. But what he said was planted firmly in my head and has come to mind more than once when I’ve out on dates with other men.

You can’t change yourself physically to be with someone else. You shouldn’t feel like you need to be a certain way, dress a certain way, or look like a Barbie doll in order to be loved. If you are having to alter yourself, it isn’t love. It’s manipulation. If someone can’t look you in the eye and love you for what they see, then you don’t want to be with them.

I’ve heard a lot of things over the years. Lots of lists from friends about what they “must” have in a partner. There’s some goodness to those lists. However, there’s some ridiculous. One sibling told me that I shouldn’t date a man who didn’t have a symmetrical six-pack. True. The six-pack was a must but if the muscles weren’t perfectly aligned, I would have to rid myself of the man. I’ve been told that it would bother me until the end of my days (or the end of his six pack, I suppose).

When I’m giving a “state of the date” report to my friends, I’m always surprised by some of the questions that come up. The six-pack question comes up. So hairline. Height. The type of car he drives. Things like that, those rigid iron boxes, makes me wonder how many beautiful people we miss because they are not made in our image.

Through my dating experiences, my first boyfriend’s words have proven themselves true time and time again. I’ve found myself sitting at dinner with a man, thinking about the ways that I would have to change to make something work. It might be something as simple as changing a hair color or picking up a habit. It might be as complex as changing my passion for something because he doesn’t understand or isn’t supportive of it.

And then I remember that line of logic is stupid.

When you change in a moment for the slimmest of chances at a lifetime of love, you’re already losing the bet. I’m not talking character, so please don’t misread that. When it comes to character, the person you are with should inspire you to become the better version of who you are. They’ll teach you to quit playing games and be step boldly into the role that God created you to take. What I’m talking about here is purely about the physical.

If you have to alter yourself in order to please someone else and purchase their affection for a moment, your heart is dying just a little bit. You’ll always have those fears of not being enough nag at the back of your mind. You’ll never be secure, wondering if when you gain a few pounds or get a few zits, the love and loyalty will cease. Love does not dwell with fear.

That’s what my first boyfriend taught me. There’s someone out there who will inspire you to be a better person. They won’t sit there, waiting to find a flaw so they can expel you from their presence. They will look at you with kindness and love the person they see staring back at them. Wait for them. Find them. They are out there.

What did you learn from the first person you dated?

© epSos.de, Creative Commons

It’s been a heck of a year in the dating department.

I’ve been a girlfriend, a distraction, and a best friend.

I’ve been treated like a princess, an afterthought, and an easy college girl.

I’ve gotten free dinners, free coffee, and free entertainment.

I’ve laughed at men. I’ve cried over boys. I’ve had my heart bruised, my soul stirred, and my vision for the world enlarged. It hasn’t always been the most comfortable experience in the world but I can honestly state that it’s been one of the best things for me. I’ve grown in ways that I never even knew I needed to.

There are a few lessons that I had to learn this year. Most of them happened through relationships. Not all dating relationships, but relationships, friendships, and the random acquaintance that has been struck up.

Here’s a few of them:

1. Love transforms

Love is the most powerful force in the universe. You may think that it’s greed or capitalism, but those are just inversions of love. Love is what makes men want to be better. Makes women glow. It’s what caused God to send Jesus to the cross. It’s the most beautiful thing that has ever been.

Love transforms. It will transform you and it will transform your lover. It’s tempting to think that your love is what transforms the other person but it isn’t. You are human, you will fail, and your love in finite. When your love becomes an idol, it will be proven false. Painful disillusionment will happen. The only transformation comes from a Jesus-love. The Holy Spirit moving in someone’s heart. Nudging their soul to become better and more beautiful. You can’t do it.

When you open your heart to love, you open your heart to transformation and healing. There’s something deeply magical about the way that God moves in your heart when you are open to love. Maybe it’s because you are starting to see people the way that God created them to be seen – lovely, charming, and perfect. But there’s an even deeper magic that happens when you choose to love even the most unlovely of people. You become a better person. You start to face your fears, flaws, and sins head on. You heal. You sparkle. You get that glow.

Love can be a pain. It costs. But it’s worth it. Love is always worth it.

2. Baggage happens

There is no perfect human being. No strange creature who has fully shed the baggage that they have picked up through their wanderings in life. It’s not having baggage that is a bad thing. It’s what you do with your baggage that determines how your life will play out.

I didn’t know half the baggage I carried around until earlier this year. Then a few people spoke truth into my life and pointed out the caboose full of issues was trailing behind me. It wasn’t easy finding out where things came from. It was really uncomfortable at times. Mostly because I had to compare my version of truth to what God’s truth was. And the truths that I had held so dear for years were ugly lies, marring my heart.

We’ve all met people who have let their past define their future. It doesn’t have to be that way. When you are dating, find out why you are picking up your baggage. What is triggering the issue? Get deeper than surface level spit. Find out the heart of your baggage. Deal with it. Give it to God. And heal. Encourage the same in your relationships. It’s the only way that you will grow.

3. I am a woman of worth

Last year, I learned that it was far better to be alone than just with someone because I was lonely. It’s a lesson that I’ve come back to. This year, I learned that I was a woman of worth. I had some amazing guy friends speak truth into my life when they told me “He’s not worth it” or “You deserve better.”

They were right.

As a child of God, my worth isn’t based on my looks, sexuality, or even my tax bracket. My worth is not tied up in how many books I’ve written, children I’ve adopted, or good reads that I’ve done. It’s based on who I belong to. Who loved me enough to die for me. Who has radically transformed my life. Jesus died for me to have life. That’s the eternal and the now. I was created for more than settling because of boredom. I was created for someone worth waiting for. To be someone worth waiting for. I have value. I have choices. I’m a daughter of God. That doesn’t give me the right to have entitlement issues. That means I’m called to love unconditionally, love the messy, and know that I am cherished.

What did you learn this year?

 Want to connect? Feel free to shoot me an email! 

November, 2009.

Dear Katie-girl,

You are about ready to embark on a crazy adventure. Your passport is full of stamps. Full of memories of adventures overseas.

The stamps won’t be able to reflect the lessons you learned or the ways you changed. But even as the ink fades, the lessons won’t. 

I’m going to offer you some love advice. It’s more than just love advice though. Love will be a huge part of your life, as it should be. Love will impact your whole life and change who you are. That’s the power it holds. You are going to learn some crazy things. Some of the lessons you’ll learn through heartache. The heartache won’t kill you though. Instead, it will peel away at the onion layers that wrap your heart like a mummy. The layers that you let cocoon you until they began to suffocate you.

The unwrapping may feel painful or even awkward, but it’s through the peeling away of layers that your soul will begin to breathe again.

You are going to fall in love. Or at least, you’ll think you do. You’ll learn what it means to stay true to the dreams that God has placed in your heart. You’ll learn what it means to encourage someone else, even when their dreams take them away from you. Love the person you are with, even if it isn’t forever. It will be painful but it will bring life.

Miracles happen when you open yourself up to love.

Even miracles in your own heart. God will bring healing to the scars on your souls through the most unlikely of people. Don’t resist it but learn to walk away when your time with that person is up. Don’t linger. God’s timing is best. Really.

You are going to meet a lot of jerks. Sorry. That’s just part of your story. On the bright side, many people are entertained by your dating stories. That doesn’t help you much now but learn to laugh about it. Life could be so much worse. With each jerk you meet, you have a choice.

You can put walls up around your heart or you can learn to see them through eyes of mercy. If you build up walls, your heart will become so brittle that it will be incapable of love. If you gaze upon someone with mercy, you’ll learn that Jesus has an incredible plan for them. Your heart may be bruised but it will not be broken.

You’ll also learn that no matter how much you love someone, you can’t make them change. One of the most important bits of love advice I can give you is to remind you that you aren’t the Holy Spirit, dear one. Let God do His job. When you try to take God’s job, you muck up the whole thing. When you try to be an example to someone, you’re just revealing how much you don’t trust God.

When you see that flashing red light, run away. You are a woman of worth. God has a man out there who will treat you with dignity. Don’t settle because you are bored. You are worth so much more.

In the next few years, you are going to meet a few men who challenge you. In a good way. They will be the ones that remind you that keepers exist and are worth believing in. Worth waiting for. They’ll share their struggles, offer their perspective, and give you some love advice as only men can. It’s a beautiful thing.

You won’t realize how incredible your guy friends are. Thank them when you do get glimmers of how awesome they are. And don’t take them for granted. They will pull you through some rough times and help shape you into a better woman.

At the same time, you will be invited into their lives and given the opportunity to shape them into better men. Encourage them. Lift them up. And for goodness sake, teach them how to treat a woman. Their wives will thank you one day. Really.

Your love life will be full of ups and downs. That’s life. But people will come to you for love advice one day. Weird, right? Face it, you love love. When your friends come to you for love advice, don’t tell them what they want to hear. Tell them the truth. Show them your scars. Show them the reminders of grace. Show them the love that so many of your mentors have shown you. You have been richly invested in. Give back.

The rest of your life isn’t going to turn out how you expected it to. You won’t be living in London, working for National Geographic, or penning best-sellers. You won’t be rich. You won’t be the most beautiful woman in the room. You’ll just be you. And people will love you for it. 

Don’t let your insecurities rule you. God created you to be unique.  God did not create you to be a Barbie doll with a photoshopped life. He created you to be that girl who cries with strangers, speaks frankly, and will do almost anything to cheer someone else up. He did not create you to dwell in the shadows of the past. You have issues. Face them head on. You have sins. Confess them. You have a serious streak of immaturity. So grow up already.

Katie-girl, you dreamed of adventures all your life. Don’t be afraid to live one.

When you find yourself on foreign shores, look up to the stars. You are never alone. You will have twinges of loneliness and that is good. You were not created to be alone. You were created to want romance and an adventure buddy. But you will learn, dear one, that it is better to be alone than it is to be with someone because you are lonely. God has you alone at the moment but it’s for the best. Don’t question it. Embrace it.

You will have so much more to offer when you realize your worth. When you realize that God is love-drunk when He thinks about you. That you are beautiful, acne and all. You are beautiful and loved. What more can you ask for?

Cheers,

Your Older Self

November, 2011.

If you could write a letter and give your younger self love advice, what would you say?