Why Do We Keep Sexual Assault A Secret?

secrets

 

After publishing my first post on sexual assault, something happened. Something that I was afraid of, yet wasn’t surprised by. Statistically, it had to happen.

Another friend came told me about the sexual assault she had endured as a child.

As an innocent little girl. A trusting little girl with a sweet soul and trusting eyes.

I had known her for years. Years. Yet only now she felt like she could tell her story.

At the beginning of the summer, another friend sat me down and told me her own dark tale.

“Looking back, it wrecked my life.”

Another friend, another story of abuse. I hate that. I really can’t express how much I hate that.

If my count is right, I know at least 10 friends who have suffered sexual assault, most of them by people they trusted. That’s just a casual count. The people who have taken me into their narrow circle of trust. I don’t know all their stories but I have heard their pain. Statistically, there are more. Many more.

Male, female. Sexual abuse doesn’t discriminate.

But secrets remain. For years. And years.

After the Joe Paterno scandal, my friend J.C. came forward with his tale of sexual abuse.

Suddenly a thought hit me: Maybe I should tell someone about this baggage I’ve been carrying around.

Nahhh,” I thought to myself. It doesn’t matter. That was a long time ago. It doesn’t affect me.

But deep in my mind I knew – somehow – it was still affecting me.

You can read the rest of J.C.’s story here.

The truth ultimately set him free but it took him years to come forward.

He didn’t feel safe.

And that makes me incredibly sad. J.C. and my other friends were victims. They needed a champion. A savior to rush in and rescue them from the evil that maliciously stole their innocence. They needed someone to stand up for them.

Yet no one did.

What makes things worse is that in some cases, people knew.

They knew…and did nothing.

Families kept the knowledge hidden away, a skeleton in the closet, deepening the shame. Damning the victim into the darkness. Keeping the wounds in the dark so they could fester.

Why?

I know that there are thousands of scenarios with millions of factors but in my mind, it’s a stark black and white. An innocent was hurt, therefore, the truth must come out and justice must be done.

But the question remains.

If we believe the truth sets people free, why do we keep sexual assault a secret?

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The Power of a Secret

the power of a secret

Earlier this week, I found out my friend was sexually assaulted. I blogged about it.

I didn’t know what kind of discussion would follow. 

See, the thing is, most people don’t talk about sexual abuse. 

But one of my friends has. He decided that it was time to stop keeping secrets and went public with his story of sexual abuse. The Washington Post picked it up and the world listened. I would encourage you to read it as well. 

Right after his column ran in The Washington Post, he wrote a piece for my Keeper or Creeper series. It’s so good that I decided to republish it. 

If you are a victim of sexual abuse, please read it and take heart. 

You are loved.

You have worth.

And you don’t have to keep secrets any longer.

- Caitlin

     + + + 

Talking relationships has always been one of my favorite subjects, so when Caitlin asked me to be a guest blogger on her Creeper/Keeper series, I was excited about the opportunity.

Little did I know my life would take a dramatic turn the following week.

The child sex abuse scandal at Penn State hit close to home for me because I was also sexually abused as child. After watching many misinformed people write and speak about a subject they clearly didn’t understand, I decided to speak out publicly for the first time. I wrote a column that was printed in The Washington Post, and later at other newspapers around the country.

As a journalist, you might think this made me feel great – and it did to a certain extent. But more than anything else I felt uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Child sex abuse isn’t a topic that gives you the warm fuzzies, so most people avoid it.

I did for more than 15 years.

It wasn’t until I was on the cusp of my first serious relationship at the age of 23 that my own memories boiled to the surface.

Suddenly a thought hit me: Maybe I should tell someone about this baggage I’ve been carrying around.

Nahhh,” I thought to myself. It doesn’t matter. That was a long time ago. It doesn’t affect me.

But deep in my mind I knew – somehow – it was still affecting me. Now that I’m on the other side of counseling, I better understand that it was having an impact on me in ways I can’t fully explain to you. I just know that it’s part of what makes me who I am. It’s one of the “unchangeables” about me.

That’s why people should know. As I thought about that in the context of a relationship, I realized that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn’t want a potential spouse keeping that kind of secret from me. Yet that’s what many people do.

Since my column was printed, I’ve talked or emailed with many people who have never told anyone they are a victim of child sex abuse. Many have been married, some for decades, and still never told spouses about the abuse.

Huge mistake. These kinds of secrets can be deadly to a relationship, and they only get more toxic the longer you keep the secret.

As things died down after my column was printed, my mind drifted back to what I would write for this blog. Only one topic filled my mind: keepers don’t hold secret baggage. 

One my favorite quotes says “Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great.” I look at emotional scars the same way. If unpleasant information coming out causes a relationship to splinter, it was doomed to failure anyway.

Just get it out there.

Don’t misunderstand me. I know it’s hard. I know it’s uncomfortable. I know you’d like to do anything to avoid that conversation.

But if you’ve found the right person, often the disclosure will only pull you closer together.

It’s actually a very important test. Yes, I know it usually can’t and shouldn’t be a conversation that happens at the beginning of a relationship. But when the time comes, gather your courage and do it. Don’t put it off like that root canal that you’ve needed for the last 10 years.

Ask God to show you the right timing and the right way to bring it up, then off the fear and go for it. Remember, “God has not give us a spirit of fear, but of power and love and a sound mind” (2 Tim. 1:7).

Being a keeper involves being honest and transparent – always.

You’ll find it better for you, and better for your significant other….And you just might be surprised to find that sharing your deepest scars will turn out to be one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to build trust in your relationship.

If you are a victim of sexual abuse, tell someone. Don’t keep the secret any longer.

You can contact the police or talk to someone at National Sexual Assault Hotline.

 

 

What keeps you from telling your secrets? Have you ever shared a huge secret with your significant other?


 

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My Friend Was Sexually Assaulted

Sexual Abuse Has To Stop

You are still beautiful, worth it, loveable, and valued even after you are raped. – E. Mills, rape victim

A friend was sexually assaulted last weekend.

That’s right. Sexually assaulted.

I knew something was wrong when I saw her. The way she was uncomfortable in her own skin, shifting constantly on the sofa. Her eyes were dull, a sharp contrast to the way they usually dance with a hidden laughter.

It took an hour for her story to come out. And even then it was shaky.

“..and he…touched me…”

The words came out in half sobs.

No, no, no. This couldn’t be true. Please Jesus, don’t let it be true.

But it was. She kept talking and the evil that happened started to leak out.

The words are uncomfortable to type.There’s no way to sugar-coat the fact that an evil man tried to rob my friend of something good, using her body for a few moments of twisted pleasure.

If the words make you furious, welcome to my world.

In the past few years, more and more of my friends have started to tell their stories of sexual abuse, rape, or assault.

They feel guilt.

If only I had…

They feel shame.

No one will love me now…

They feel embarrassed.

These things don’t happen to good girls.

They feel hurt.

Why didn’t someone protect me?

The number of women who deal with sexual assault is alarmingly high. It shouldn’t be this way. Not at all.

I’ve dealt with unwelcome sexual advances. I’ve uncomfortably laughed the propositions ones off, walking away as swiftly as possible. Kicked a stranger on a bus who thought my rear was their personal stress relief toy. Told far too friendly coworkers no before reminding them of sexual harassment laws.

I’ve been hassled but those incidences are minor compared to what my friends have gone through.

Caitlin, I was sexually assaulted…

My heart breaks every time I hear the words. Anger is the swift secondary emotion; a desire to enact revenge on whoever it was that hurt my friend. Then my eyes go back to the victim.

The beautiful woman who is now second guessing her worth.

The beloved child of God who was treated like trash.

The wounded daughter whose soul has been stabbed.

It’s not her fault.

Society plays a dangerous game when they blame the victim for the crime because by casting her to the corner, weeping, they are embracing her attacker. Telling him that he was the victim of her wiles. I’ve heard that twisted logic too many times from people who are too busy casting judgement on the girl to realize that she’s going through hell.

I finished Come Alive  by Elora Nicole Ramirez earlier today. The themes were rattling through my head as I heard my friend’s story.

Come Alive is the story of a young woman, Stephanie, who is traded by her father for sex. The scars on her battered body are nothing compared to the gaping holes that have been burned into her soul through the years of abuse.

She can’t ask her mother for help. Her mother is beaten by her father constantly and enables his drunken rages.

She can’t go to the police. Her first rapist was the chief.

She can’t get help. Her little brother is the pawn her family uses to keep her in line.

Stephanie is stuck. She knows it’s a matter of time before she winds of dead but she can’t believe that there’s a way out. There are only three people she can trust in the world and she fears rejection if they knew the truth about what went on at her house.

Ramirez weaves together a story of hope amid a horrific backdrop. I’ve read stories about sex trafficking but none of them dared to get inside the head of the victim the way that Ramirez did. None of them offered the hope of Jesus without sounding forced. I’d recommend this book to anyone.

The thing is, there is hope.

For every friend of mine who has been assaulted, there are a few things that you should know:

  • When the Bible says nothing can separate you from the love of God, it means just that. Nothing. (Romans 8:35)
  • God is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). He’s not going to turn His back on you.
  • God will walk beside you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
  • God will avenge you. (Romans 12:19)
  • God has plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

When God looks at a woman who has been assaulted, he doesn’t see her as a dirty girl that deserved what she got. He doesn’t cast her aside like her attacker did. He loves you. Now and forever.

There are other women out there who have gone through the very same thing you have. You are not alone.

In her article, What Every Girl Needs To Know After Rape Or Sexual AbuseEmilee Mills shares her experience and offers vibrant hope.

She writes:

Papa God was sad to see His precious daughter taken advantage of, but He loves me still. When I was assaulted, I had lost all self worth and value. I was stripped of my own confidence and strength. By the grace and love of God, I am learning how to love myself and allow Him to restore me. It’s been a long journey, but I know that God has great plans for me despite the terrible things that have happened.

No matter what, you are still worthy of love, valued by the King and have purpose in His kingdom. Your life doesn’t end after rape. It certainly changes – but we can allow God to use that change to teach, help, and encourage others. You can be healed, you can be loved, and you can be used by Him.

In fact, you already are.

If you know someone who has been a victim of sexual assault, please, just be there for them. They need you to love on them. To offer them hope when they don’t see it.

Sexual abuse needs to stop. Now. Don’t be silent when assault happens. Report it. That’s the only way people are going to stop.

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When Grace Comes With A Broken Leg

broken leg

These days, all is grace.

Everything is a gift.

I broke my leg last week while learning how to boulder in a rock gym. That sounds glamorous, and while I should count my blessings that it didn’t happen while stumbling over a stool or falling off something while texting, the truth is that there’s nothing beautiful about snapping a bone in two. (Although, I did celebrate my first broken bone with sparkling cider. Champagne and pain meds sounded like a lovely cocktail but apparently is one that is best avoided.)

The moment I broke my leg, I shattered my deeply cherished independence. I knew it as soon as I saw my leg start to swell. Felt it before the three Tylenol pills took effect. Mourned it when I stood up to put weight on my leg and came tumbling down with a sharp intake of breath.

I tried holding on to it a bit longer – smiling as my friends came to check on me, waving them off to keep on bouldering, telling myself that all would be well. No tears were allowed. I didn’t cry until I was in my bed hours later, leg encased in a black walking boot and propped up to keep pressure off the break. But then, there was no one to hold me while I cried.

Stupid pride.

I used to take pride in being the strong one and always being there for my friends in need. What I’m learning now is that while it’s easy for me to give, it’s much harder for me to receive grace. Even from close friends.

That’s not selflessness, that’s selfishness.

It’s a mad mix of perfectionism and pride that has nothing to do with finding strength in God. True strength really doesn’t come from yourself. I’m coming to believe that the strong people are the ones who know they don’t possess it on their own and run to God for it.

Grace can be a bitter pill to swallow at times. As much as I love breakfast in bed, I feel guilty accepting it every morning from my roommates. There was one night one of them tucked me into bed. Don’t tell her but I cried after she shut the door and turned off the light. Bawled my eyes out.

I feel worthless because I cannot do.

As if my life is made up of my resume. I know that it isn’t, rail at my friends that it isn’t, but act that as if deep in my heart, I believe it to be so. You can have a thousand adventures, accolades, and accomplishments without having done anything truly worthwhile. You can be recognized by many but be unknown by your loved ones.

Life isn’t always about doing. There are seasons that are just about being. And this is such a season for me.

This week, grace has been:

  •  A borrowed Kindle and candy bar while waiting for  a ride.
  •  Friends sitting by my side, flipping through fashion magazines and adding their own snarky sartorial comments with me.
  •  Borrowed bathtubs and people willing to help me in and out of them.
  •  Adventure Buddies who laugh + laughter echoing off the walls of the urgency room clinic.
  •  Watching two entire seasons of Sherlock with roommates.
  •  Friends who pop by just to sit and be with me.
  •  Phone calls from Twitter friends turned real-life friends.
  •  A homemade meal by a buddy who just felt like making it and then hanging out for a few hours.
  •  Prayers said on my behalf.
  •  Car rides to far off places.
  •  Text messages o’cheer from some of my oldest friends.
  •  Piggyback rides in public.
  •  My roommates. I cannot begin to express how grateful I am for each and every one of them.
  •  Every. Single. Meal.
  •  Friends who laugh at my loopy calls and text messages. And the friends who hear about them and ask how they can get on that phone list.
  •  Podcasted sermons and the promises of God’s unending faithfulness.
  •  Roommates who drop you off at the hair salon and then come back a few hours later…with your pain pills.
  •  Being intentionally included, even when it’s an inconvenience.
All these things are wonderful but the most humbling came on Saturday.

I was physically carried by three different people.

Yes, carried. Carried on backs or in arms, held up by people much stronger than me. The first person is a wonderful friend who didn’t want me to have another accident while crutching it over wet limestone. She’s a gift in her own right.

The second person took a dare that celebrated being young, dumb, and in love (can anyone name that music reference?).

The last person carried me three times, each time an act of serving that was incredibly kind.

Each one of them is a special memory. I cried late on Saturday night/Sunday morning because of no. 1 + 3. No. 2 just made me laugh.

The tears from 1+3 came because they were Jesus in skin to me on that day.

The two experiences broke my heart with the beauty of it and made me feel so incredibly loved and cherished by God and by friends.

But that wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t let go of my pride and selfishness.

Grace is a gift that you receive with one hand and give with the other. I don’t deserve any of the grace and love that has been shown to me this last week. But as I nurse my broken leg, my eyes are opening wide to the grace that is all around me.

Where are you seeing grace?

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The Books That Shaped My Summer

summer reading

I rediscovered my inner bookworm this summer.

Earlier this year, I set a ridiculous goal of reading 104 books this year.* It was a little optimistic but who doesn’t love a good challenge?

There’s been a reshuffling of priorities, reading selectively over writing compulsively, and I think I’m the better for it. It’s easy to relish the sounds of your words on a page but there’s something about delighting in a book and discovering things you ought to have known all along.

As I’ve been reading more, I’ve realized that books tend to fall into one of these four categories:

  • Books you want to read for the sheer joy of it
  • Books you don’t want anyone to know you read
  • Books you want people to know you’ve read
  • Books you’ll never pick up

I’d also like to add “Books people assume you’ve read so now you’ve actually got to read the book to catch up with your own reputation because you can’t just smile and nod all the time.” But I’m not going to tell you which books those were.

There were a few books that really stood out this summer. They were ones that made me stop and rethink some long held views. Ones that deserved scribbles in the margins. Ones that made me curse that I didn’t know the original language of the text and some that kept me up until the wee hours of the morning.

There was a time when I wanted to major in the Classics/English/Literature in college. I’m just doing the homework now.

1 Atlas Shrugged

By far the most engrossing read of my summer.

This was the book that kept me up until 2 am some mornings, trying to make a dent in it. It was also the book that I carried around in my purse, read on my lunch breaks, and pulled out whenever I had a few free moments. I laughed, yelled, and felt every emotion in-between while reading Rand’s thinly veiled manifesto to Objectivism.

Rand’s book has been in the news lately because Paul Ryan is a fan of her works. I don’t think objectivism is ideal, nor do I agree with everything Rand says. I just like good ideas wherever I find them and this book offered quite a bit of them. I am a fan of hard work, entrepreneurship, and a lack of “entitlements.”

If you aren’t a fan of capitalism, the book will make you furious but that’s a great reason to read it. See the other side. If you are a die-hard capitalist, you’ve probably already read it. And if you were like me, and curious what the hullabaloo was about, pick it up, muscle your way through the 1,000+ pages and read it. Watching the movies help too.

2. Helen of Troy / Alcestis / Xerxes

I was on a Greek kick this summer. Let’s blame the people behind Clash of the Titans. I wanted to get a fuller view of Ancient Greece than Hollywood (Titans, Troy, 300, etc) could provide so I went to biopics and translated plays.

I chose Helen and Alcestis because they make a great commentary on the way women were viewed in Ancient Greece. Women don’t always get equal air time in history as their male counterparts so the ones who do get mentioned are worth looking into.

Helen was a pretty pawn piece in the hands of haughty Aphrodite – the woman who had to be possessed in order for her to have value. Her face launched a thousand ships but her life was incredibly tragic. Alcestis was the ideal wife that willingly went to the underworld in order to save her husband, a mighty warrior. Gorgo, who was briefly mentioned in Xerxes, was a Spartan wife who fought to save Greece politically while her husband, Leonidas fought on the battlefields. The Ancients may have idealized Helen but Gorgo is the character who resonates with the modern American ideal. But I’m getting off my soap box now.

Xerxes is a great read and should be required reading for all the women who idealize the man from the Esther movie, One Night with the KingContrasting the evil monster in 300 with the wounded, love lorn, and often shirtless king from One Night (who came up with that name?), you’re left wondering who in the world Xerxes really was. This book helps you figure it out, giving peeks into his life and a play by play of his fight with the Greeks. It will also provide a lot of context for the book of Esther.

3. Flappers and Philosophers

F. Scott Fitzgerald at his finest.

Read “The Offshore Pirate.” The way Fitzgerald mixes words and emotions on the page is sheer joy to read. I don’t care as much for the rest of the stories but vain Ardita and her kidnapping makes the tiny volume a treasure. Maybe it is the shared hubris or affinity for the ridiculous but I loved it.

4. The Yosemite

I’ve already written about my trip to Yosemite and the way that I love this book. Muir makes me proud of my name while making me want to live up to it. The way he writes about the Sierra Nevadas shows a deep love of adventure, nature, and words. You don’t find that combination too often.

Maybe it was the book, maybe it was the experience, but after visiting Yosemite, I was ready to quit everything, become a park ranger and write in the valley on my days off. But it would all be rubbish compared to the love letter that is this book. The catch with this book is that if you don’t love nature, you won’t like it. He writes passages so rapturous that he makes you forget that he’s talking about dirt, twigs, and trees.

5. West with the Night

Forget Amelia Earhart  for a moment. While she was learning how to fly, Beryl Markham was living an adventure the size of Africa. A former horse trainer turned pilot, Markham rubbed shoulders with some of the biggest names in Africa during the golden age of the colony period. My friend, Nicole, wrote a better review of the book.

Markham was admired as a writer by Hemingway and for a reason. Her writing is lyrical. The deep sort of poetry that comes from hours of introspection high up in the air. That lofty detachment that makes you want to circle the plane around, land it, and then embark on a grand adventure of your own.

As a person, Markham’s life would make a great plot for a movie. I’m honestly surprised that there hasn’t been a movie made about her yet. Although horribly flawed, you can’t help but get the sense that she was really living instead of merely existing.

 

You may have guessed but there really is no rhyme or reason to how I pick what books I’ll read next. Sometimes they come as recommendations, others as impulse. The trio of Greek based works came from a lazy Saturday morning of watching the Titans.

What books did you read this summer? Which books do you recommend I read next?

 

 

 

* That’s two per week and each book of the Bible count as a separate book.



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Speak Up

man with speak up written on his fingers

I had a brilliant post that I was going to write.

Seriously. It was going to wow you. Dazzle you with charm, wit, and so much joie de vivre that you’d forget that I’ve been remiss in blogging. Instead, as you read my post, the corners of your mouth would draw slowly upward into a smirk, and then a delighted grin. You’d be terribly impressed and instantly forgive me for not writing.

But that post never happened and it’s just as well.

I was too scared to speak up.

And then I lost it. The idea slipped away, untangling like a thousand ribbons riding away on a midsummer’s night zephyr.

I think all of us have things like that inside us; stories that are ready to burst out from inside us, the ones we want so desperately to tell.

But I bite my tongue, bottle up the emotions, and place them back on the mental shelf where they will collect dust for all of eternity. Instead, I choose a lesser thought, one far too common in every sense of the word and decide to use that instead. It’s safer that way.

When I see the original thought again, instead of recognizing the brilliance of it, I  wonder why I ever thought it was a good idea in the first place. It’s stupid. It’s brash. Its too much. Or worse, I hear the echo of the words but can’t quite make out the syllables, like listening in on a conversation from the bottom of the pool.

There’s wisdom is being selective. Not telling every story that wants to cross my lips. Guarding the words I use so that I can convey the truer meanings of what I wish to say.

I’m not speaking of the stories that are not mine to tell.

Not talking about pointing all eyes back on me in an attempt to steal the spotlight for a few glorious seconds. But as death weighs heavily on my mind, I’m thinking of the thousands of conversations that make up family, friendships, and life.

In every relationship, there are two people who have emotional needs. Both want to be loved, accepted, and appreciated for who they are. It’s easy to come into any friendship trying to “get.” Trying to extract something of worth from the other person for my own benefit. Yet, that’s being a parasite, not a friend.

There are words that should be said, must be said in every friendship.

Lavishing people with praise instead of tearing them down with criticism. Telling them what it is about them that you appreciate. Speaking words of kindness instead of cutting words behind their back. Taking the time to speak truth into lives instead of just hurrying on with “life”, all the while missing out on it.

It’s not hard. It just takes courage.

 

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What I Discovered Through My Crazy Letter Experiment

Handwritten Letters

When I was a little girl, my siblings and I would fight over whose turn it was to get the mail in.

I loved rushing out to the mailbox a few seconds after the postman had left. As I walked back up the driveway, I would carefully flip through the stack of letters, hoping in my heart that there would be something waiting with my name on it. Something hand-written. When there was, I’d carefully take the envelope out of the pile and put it in one of my jean pockets, hiding it away from my family so I could savor the contents in peace.

Then when no one was looking, I’d dash off to my room or my tree fort to read the letter. To pour over the words and let them soak into my heart.

Times have changed. The bulk of mail we get is electronic and our inboxes are stuffed fatter than our mailbox ever could be. It isn’t hard to get in contact with someone if you really want to. Now is the easiest time to get in contact but one of the hardest times to make a genuine connection. With the ease of communication, it’s all shallow like spit. How’s that for irony?

A few weeks ago, I realized that I missed the feeling of getting something heartfelt in the mail. And it struck me that I probably wasn’t the only one feeling that way.

So I did something about it.

I put up a post on my Facebook page, telling people that if they wanted a handwritten letter in their mailbox, all they had to do was message me their physical address. I felt a little foolish before I put it up – what if people thought I was weird? What if they just didn’t get it? I didn’t care. I hit the publish button anyway.

That’s when I started getting emails like crazy.

It turns out that in this age of easy communication, I’m not the only one craving connection. Lots of people wanted pen-pals. They wanted to be known as people, not one dimensional profiles on a page. While I’m hardly a Hudderite, there’s something wonderful about the weight of a letter held in your hand. I love getting multiple pages of lines scribbled by someone in Seattle or a card from California.

Getting letters makes me feel like I’m talking with an old friend, even if I’m reading a letter from a mere acquaintance.

Now I read letters at coffee shops or over lunch when the door is closed in my office. I still want the experience to be mine alone for letters are not things to share.

I’m getting to know people that are “friends” on Facebook but strangers to my every-day life. The handwritten aspect makes everything feel more intimate. Like we’re face to face instead of miles away. There are some fun “aha!” moments when I discover that there are favorite authors in common or maybe a shared experience in the past.

What’s surprised me the most is that when I get letters back, people thank me for reaching out.

They’ve felt the emotional/electronic disconnect and they’ve been craving connection as well.

I’ve learned that everyone wants a handwritten letter.

But more than that, they want something physical to remind them that they have worth and that they are worthy of getting a few lines in the mail. They want something that will remind them what it feels like to have a friendship that isn’t dictated by electronic.

And so the ebb of flow of writing letters has begun and I’m enjoying getting to know new friends. The challenge of finding the perfect piece of stationary is back. Finding the time to let your personality take a ramble on the page is much harder than typing things out in a stolen moment. If you* would like a handwritten postcard to hit your mailbox, email me.

My challenge for you is to start writing letters of your own.

Do something crazy like I did and ask people if they want a handwritten letter in their mailbox. You might be surprised at who takes you up on that offer. Most likely, it will be those casual acquaintances you’ve been curious about for awhile. It might not be the best friend from high school but it may be an old chum you’ve been Facebook friends with but have never really reconnected with.

And then…write!

Shut Up and Live Well

A few weeks ago, one of my friends and I were talking about our goals. What kind of life we wanted to lead. Both of us had just gotten back from camping trips. I was deeply grateful for my time away from screens. My time fully in nature.

“I’m sick of social media. I don’t want to be known for simply social media, telling stories, and writing about love. I want to live simply. I want to be known as someone who actually cares when they say they do. Someone who isn’t bent on saving the world but loving their neighbor well. Someone who loves Jesus, writes good stories, listens, and who is content to be Jesus in skin to someone else.”

My friend paused before answering me.

“What’s stopping you?”

Pardon?

“There’s nothing stopping you from doing that. Just do it. Live it.”

So obvious.

I tend to be a dreamer.  A neurotic dreamer. Half of my brain is in the clouds, thinking up business plans, plots for novels, and adventures that I’d like to accomplish. The other half of my brain is constantly wondering what other people think of me, a slave to media, the cult of me, and all the people that I pretend not to care about.

It’s easy for me to talk myself into inaction. Back on the couch where it is safe. Cocooned in bed where I’ll read into the wee hours of the morning instead of doing the things I know I should be doing; working out, writing, or sleeping.

That behavior is stupid. It doesn’t change anything. It’s like trying to lose weight by eating chocolate cake at every meal. Sounds lovely but it never works out in real life.

Living well takes hard work.

It means throwing out the chocolate chip cookie dough, turning off the internet, and taking a hike. Turning off the TV, sticking to your schedule, and not going over the dreaded budget. Disabling the snooze button, eating your veggies, and do your lunges months before heading out to the pool.

It means standing instead of sitting. Pushing the “play” button on your goals.

None of these things are fun but that doesn’t mean that they aren’t worthy of doing. Some of the best things in life take hard work.

Living well means shutting up.

It’s easy to talk about living well. It’s hard to do.

It’s hard to stop talking about yourself and listen when someone needs you. Self-control is involved when you love telling stories. There’s a time to tell stories and a time to listen to them. It’s time to be a friend instead of an emotional leech.

Get an accountability partner. Do what you need to do to succeed. Then shut up and do.

Living well means simplifying.

When I try to do multiple things at the same time, I fail at all of them. None of my results are stellar. Just…average.

By cutting down, simplifying, and doing what I know needs to be done, I’m giving myself the permission to succeed. I don’t have the time to go to every party I’m invited to, form deep friendships with every person who wanders into my life, and maintain a dizzyingly high Klout Score.

For me, living well may mean taking a break from my workaholic ways. But it can also mean staying true to my word and hitting deadlines, even when I have to postpone events with friends.

Living well means being realistic.

I’m not Martha Stewart. I’m not the Pioneer Woman. I can’t code a website to save my life. The side of my brain that deals with math seems to be missing. And I hate ironing my clothes.

If I want to live well, I have to stop comparing myself to other people. I have to realize that Pinterest isn’t a realistic gauge of how other people live. And that Facebook lies.

Harsh truth.

The gauge of a successful life isn’t found in bank accounts, followers, or if you make it to the Olympics.

It’s in how you love.

What does living well mean to you? What’s stopping you from living well? 

photo credit: ktylerconk via photo pin cc

5 Things I Learned In Yosemite

yosemiteLast week, I went on a camping trip in Yosemite. That’s right. Be jealous. You should be jealous.

It was pretty much amazing.

We camped under the stars and the pines. Swam in pools above waterfalls. Roasted marshmallows and told stories of childhood exploits. Did almost everything that made up a great American summer vacation.

A great story happened.

A new memory with some of the people dearest to me in the world was formed.

And along the way, I learned a few important lessons.

1. It’s okay to let go

One of the hardest parts of the trip for me was going off the grid. Pulling myself out of the center of my carefully crafted social media universe.

I was afraid of many things, some of which I’m embarrassed to admit:

  • Afraid a client would meet some catastrophe I couldn’t fix.
  • Afraid 3rd party software would glitch all my prescheduled updates would fail to update.
  • Afraid that I’d be forgotten, for in the land of social media, silence can be death.

Being in the middle of the wilderness was good for me. I was out in the shadows of the mountains. Feeling the dust of the earth. Waking up with the sunrise and falling asleep dead tired, soon after sunset. One tiny person in one of the most beautiful spots in all of creation. A lovely thing.

When we surround ourselves with media, we’re trying to create a world that centers around us. When we step out in nature, we’re reminded of the truth: God is the creator and all of nature points back to that fact. Being in the wilderness shouts God’s sovereignty into the eardrums of our souls.

Letting go of media made me open up my palms to receive new blessings. Better blessings. – click to tweet.

2. Roll with the punches

There were a few things that happened on the trip that weren’t supposed to happen. Or didn’t happen. Confused? Like most family vacations, ours was full of oh crap! moments.

Like:

  • When one of the tires ruptured while we were speeding happily along down the freeway.
  • When I found out I had left my wallet in Portland and had no money or ID.
  • The moment we discovered that we were going to be sleeping on the ground because no one packed the egg crates, air mattresses, or cots. Oops.
You get the idea.
In each of those moments, there were opportunities to roll with the punches and give grace or to lash out in anger, frustration, or just plain ol’ jerkiness.
Long car rides are a lot easier when you choose the path of peace. Just sayin’. – click to tweet.

3. Accept grace

Forgetting your wallet has terrible implications on a trip.

You can’t drive and you can’t purchase anything. 

Both of which are terrible fates if you happen to be me. I have a terrible need to be self-sufficient and independent. To show the world, and especially my family, that yes, I can take care of myself.

It’s pride. Ugly pride.

But the sin is my own and one that comes all too easily. The path to it well-worn and known. Comforting and familiar like a hot mug of cocoa after a day out in the cold.

So when my brother-in-law and my sister offered to give me money for the trip, I didn’t want to take it. Really.

That’s a horrible truth. In the moment between me and the money, I had a lot of pride to push out of the way.

But in order to exhale grace, you have to inhale it first. Gasp for it like your soul is being asphyxiated. – click to tweet

4. Know your limits

For all my talk of adventure, I’m pretty much a wimp.

As one of my sisters so gently pointed out, I don’t like hard exercise. Which is why I’m more of a swimming/paddleboarding/yoga/horseback riding sort of a girl. Having slightly off-center knees has something to do with it too.

When I found out we would be hiking Half Dome, I was excited…and worried.

See, my sisters are the types who go on hikes frequently. My cousin bikes 50+ miles in a single ride and is training for a 100 mile ride. My brother-in-law had already summited Half Dome in a very impressive 9 hours. Then there’s one of my other sisters who was singing during our hikes and wanted to do burbees after one of our hikes.

I love them. I’m proud of them but competitiveness is in the helix of our DNA.

I had trained for Half Dome but the thick air and flat ground of Texas do nothing for the thin air and alpine heights of California.

Thanks to sore knees and two swollen ankles, I ended up not hiking Half Dome.

I wanted to climb it. I’d obsessed about it. Dreamed about it. Trained for it. But when the moment came, I could have dragged myself up the mountain but at the expense of the team. No thanks.

The mountain is still there. It’s the background to my computer and my motivation for next year.

Sometimes being part of the team is better than being the leader. - click to tweet.

5. Love encourages

One of the best ways to get sick of someone is to spend lots of time with them. And when you are camping, the uglies come out to haunt the rest of the camp. You don’t have any chance to get away by yourself when you are sharing a tent with three other people.

There were some incredibly tense moments on this trip. But there was a whole lotta love happening. Lots of grace and lots of people being Jesus in skin to each other.

Encouragement took new physical forms during this trip -

  • Smiles and cheers of encouragement from strangers as you stagger toward the summit (Thank you, Cincinnati!).
  • Hands reaching out to lift the heavy water pack off your back.
  • That friend who matches your pace, step for step, up the mountain.
It was all horribly humbling. Being surrounded by so many beautiful, loving, kind, amazing people who are willing to coax the good in you is something to be treasured.

Love does. And as I was reminded on this trip, so does family. – click to tweet.

  

The Mountains Are Calling And I Must Go

the mountains are calling

Not the view from my office.

Screens.

My days are filled with screens.

I have a laptop, a monitor, an e-reader, a smartphone, and few other ways to spend the millions of seconds that make up my life. At almost any given moment, I can access great literature, the vast knowledge of the world, and Angry Birds.

What do I choose to use? Facebook.

Disgusting.

While I was flying across the Rockies, I thought about my ancestors. The ones that came to Oregon in wagon trains, planting a new life in the lush valley. Carving daily rhythms into the side of a dormant volcano, watching fiery sunsets while breathing in the mingling smell of the trees.

There have been Muirs in Oregon for more than a hundred years. I can’t even imagine what life was like for the first one who came. But oh, how I admire their guts. Traveling to Oregon took them weeks, even months. It meant a divorce from their old life and starting a new one from scratch.

Their discomfort took the shape of road weary bones, lingering rain, and if the video game had any grain of truth in it, the threat of dying from dysentery.

My discomfort takes the shape of waiting a few extra minutes to get my luggage. I sometimes wonder if my ancestors would be ashamed of me and the soft life I lead.

Their souls yearned for a place to call home. A place of ease where they could live abundantly.

I come from that place of abundance and find myself longing for simplicity. Longing for time away from the screen. Away from social circles, phones, and technologies, just to have the chance to sit by the river.

“Thousands of tired, nerve-shaken, over-civilized people are beginning to find out going to the mountains is going home; that wilderness is a necessity…” 
― John Muir

Dear John was on to something. As I read more of his works, the bright eyed man who shares my last name, the more I feel akin to him. John writes of nature as an enamored man describing his lover. You forget he’s talking about sedimentary rocks and dirt.

My soul craves seeing the mountains skimming the skyline. Smelling the spicy Pines. Being alone with myself and the Creator.

Sometimes it seems to me that in the world, everything is self-based. It makes me sick. I am the god of my own little universe, to be worshiped by thousands of followers who will hopefully obey everything I ask them to do. Yet, I am a slave to them at the same time. A slave to my own desires and the expectations of people whose faces I will never know.

You are too.

That’s one reason I need to get in nature. It stops my self idolatry, prying my eyes from myself and back to God.

In nature, I remember who I really am:

  • I’m one tiny being on a planet swarming with life. I didn’t create the world. It’s a masterpiece far beyond my scope of imagination. There are thousands of hidden hollows with ecosystems all their own. In the grand scheme of things, I’m just one person. I’m really no theologian but I think there’s a reason God created Adam and Eve and put them in a garden instead of a plush resort in the South Seas or a glass cage in Manhattan.
  • I’m not called to strive. I’m called to revel. Nature reveals the beauty and glory of God just like reality TV shows reveal the brokenness of the human condition. I can waste my life trying to build my own empire or I can sit and enjoy the good gift of the earth that God has laid out before me.
  • I’m not in control. At any moment, I could die. If it’s not cancer, a harried mom in a minivan, or a piano falling. So often, I fall into the pattern of safeguarding my life. While I’m in nature, there’s always the chance of heat stroke, hungry bears, or allergic reactions to plants I stumble across.  But there is no guarantee of safety in life. Not if you are truly living. No one feels truly alive when they are smothered by seat belts and safety harnesses. No one writes books about people who live vanilla lives and never wandered farther than their mailbox. The world is a wild place and while I shouldn’t fear it, I should accept it with a smile.
  • I’m beloved by the Creator God. Being away from my screens gives me perspective. Instead of going on the head knowledge of God’s love for me, I see it written in the stars when I step outside. I see the faithfulness of God when I see rainbows arching gracefully across the sky after a storm. I’m reminded of Noah and God’s covenant promise to humanity. God loves the world and I am a member of it.

What do you think? Do you head out to nature when you are stressed out? What do you get out of nature? 

photo credit: blmiers2 via photo pin cc

I’m Sick Of Yes. No. Maybe?

yes no maybe

Someone once told me that good is the enemy of best.

I thought they were stupid.

I mean, what’s wrong with good? Good is a great reason to do things. It sounds wonderful, inviting, and like someone who is satisfied with where they are in life. Like when God rested on the seventh day and called everything He saw good.

Best sounds like a snob.

Best sounds like a strict parent who doesn’t want their child  to play with the other kids in the neighborhood because there are scales to practice on the piano. There are science projects to work on. There’s starch to add to their child’s carefully pressed personality. You get the idea.

Best lives in a social ghetto where only the upper crust live.

Comparing good to best sounds feels like comparing a red apple with an heirloom quality, organically raised, locally harvested, free-trade, slavery-free, cruelty-fee, naturally awesome apple. It kind of works  in that they are both apples but there’s not much in common after that. Not if you care about such things.

But the older I get, the more I realize that there’s some wisdom behind the “good vs. best” theology.

See, I have a tendency to want to say yes to everything.

When someone invites me to an event, my first reaction is always, “YES! Wait, no. Maybe?”

I don’t always remember what it is I have going on or what I want to do, so I leave things nebulous. It can be pretty frustrating to people.

It would be easier if there were a clear distinction. If some of the options were laughable. Instead, I stuff my schedule with the good, believing the lie that {busy = happy + successful + awesome}.

But leaving a trail of question marks behind me isn’t fair to anyone.

That’s where good vs best comes into play.

Good vs. best answers erases question marks and fills things in with pen.

The equation recognizes my time is limited. I have 24 hours in the day, just like everyone else. While I have limited resources and a lot of ambition, I’m still only one person.

One.

There are a lot of things that can’t make it on my calendar. And that’s okay.

Good wastes my time while best maximizes it.

How do you define what is good, better, and best in your life?
photo credit: Visionello via photo pin cc

Do I Have To Love My Neighbor If He…

 

There are times when faith becomes disarmingly uncomfortable.

Moments when you aren’t sure what the answer is but you know you’ll be digging deep to find it.

Lately, I’ve been challenged about the whole “Love your neighbor” command.

It is sprinkled throughout Scripture (Mt. 22:36-40, Mark 12:31). Some of the most influential Christians are known by their love. Not influential in the business or political sense, but influential that when they open their mouth, people actually know that they care.

Loving your neighbor is a pretty big deal to God. So why isn’t it to me?

Most of my life, I’ve been busy rushing around to meet other people’s neighbors. Sign up for a ministry here, teach a workshop there, volunteer to help out across the metro.

The truth is, I’d rather live my happy little self-contained life, helping at a ministry across town, earning accolades for my good deeds and then ducking in back in my house before I have to say hello to the annoying boy next door.

Loving strangers is easy. Loving your neighbor? Not so much.

Neighbors know when you forget to take out the trash. They know you aren’t as put-together as you’d like to be or you’d like the world to believe you to be. They know when the grass in the front lawn is a little too rakish for the neighborhood. There really isn’t any pretending with neighbors.

It’s easy to love the ones who help you with your car, make small talk every once in awhile, and have that old school sense of being a neighbor. They don’t butt into your business but they’ll help you if you need it.

The others aren’t so easy.

The little ones will wait until you pull up on your driveway, see that you are on the phone, wait until you are engrossed in a conversation and then throw themselves against your window to make you scream like a little girl. Not like that’s ever happened to me…this month.

Some of them will ring your doorbell at 11 PM to ask if they can watch a movie with you, talk about life,  and see if you have any spare food you wouldn’t mind donating to the noble cause of their stomach. They might follow you to the pool and yell for you to let them in. They might surprise you by sneaking into your backyard and tearing out a section of your fence in order to “help” you and your landlord.

I’ve been getting pretty annoyed.

That’s when I keep remembering the “love your neighbor” thing. And I hate it.

What’s worse is it seems every time I pray about it, the stupid doorbell rings.

I like to pretend Jesus said, Love your neighbor unless -

  • he’s annoying
  • he’s a druggie
  • he’s a peeping tom
  • he’s a terrorist
  • he’s a thief
  • he’s a pedophile
  • he’s a playboy
  • he’s a jerk
  • he’s an illegal immigrant
  • he’s a bank robber
  • he’s a liar
  • he’s a murderer
  • he’s a law breaker
  • he’s a tweaked out meth-head
  • he’s a high school dropout
  • he’s a member of the opposite political party
  • he has mental issues
  • he has a sexual preference than you are uncomfortable with
  • he has too many loud parties that seep late into the night
  • he has a drinking problem
  • he has dated and dumped half of my friends
  • he has a sports addiction
  • he has anger issues
  • he has overzealous religious friends
  • he has a criminal record
  • he has a habit of forgetting to cut the grass
  • he has a bad sense of fashion
  • he has the cops over at least twice a week
  • he has an ugly car
  • he steals your newspaper
  • he doesn’t recycle
  • he is a super conservative
  • he’s a flaming liberal
  • he doesn’t know what he believes
  • he’s different from you
  • he _____________.

The problem is, the last time I checked, Jesus didn’t add any qualifiers after the statement, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

What do you think? How do you love your neighbors? Do you even know your neighbors?

 

 

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