I saw him at the coffee shop. He had come in for a job interview and I was sure that he would be perfect for the assistant manager. It didn’t matter that she had a boyfriend already. There was something enigmatic about this boy that I knew would be perfect for her. Perhaps it was his kind eyes or the way he always looked like he was on the brink of laughter.

Silly me. While I was making espressos and watching the interview, she was thinking the opposite. “He’d be perfect for Caitlin!”

He didn’t get the job and I forgot about him for the most part. To be honest, I had my eye on someone else. Whenever he came in, I would give my assistant manager a wink. Couldn’t she see that they’d be absolutely perfect for each other?

Little did I know that while I was plotting his love life, he had designs of his own for mine.

We started dating in a cold December. The white twinkle lights in the bare branches of the trees that lined the streets of downtown seemed to make everything magical. Once we started talking, we couldn’t stop. Both of us in love with love and enchanted with the possibilities that were presented in the other person.

“What would you think if I were fifty pounds overweight? Would you still like me?” I asked one day as we sat talking in the car. My impishness and insecurities were coming out to play together. Never a good combination.

“What difference would that make?” he asked, concern clouding his kind eyes. He who had been engaged before, the older man, wise in the ways of relationships and dealing with women and their emotions.

I paused. I was nowhere near overweight. My question had been completely out of left field. “Wouldn’t you be bothered?”

“Katies,” he said. “If you were overweight it wouldn’t make a difference. Fifty pounds…well, that would show that something else was going on. But if we’re talking a little chubby, like fifteen pounds, it wouldn’t bother me at all. You’re still you. And if it did, you wouldn’t want to be with me anyway. I’d be the problem.”

He paused before continuing, “You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love you for who you are.”

I melted. The perfect answer.

What he said lingered far longer than our feelings for each other. Time, distance, and different life dreams took us to different sides of the world. But what he said was planted firmly in my head and has come to mind more than once when I’ve out on dates with other men.

You can’t change yourself physically to be with someone else. You shouldn’t feel like you need to be a certain way, dress a certain way, or look like a Barbie doll in order to be loved. If you are having to alter yourself, it isn’t love. It’s manipulation. If someone can’t look you in the eye and love you for what they see, then you don’t want to be with them.

I’ve heard a lot of things over the years. Lots of lists from friends about what they “must” have in a partner. There’s some goodness to those lists. However, there’s some ridiculous. One sibling told me that I shouldn’t date a man who didn’t have a symmetrical six-pack. True. The six-pack was a must but if the muscles weren’t perfectly aligned, I would have to rid myself of the man. I’ve been told that it would bother me until the end of my days (or the end of his six pack, I suppose).

When I’m giving a “state of the date” report to my friends, I’m always surprised by some of the questions that come up. The six-pack question comes up. So hairline. Height. The type of car he drives. Things like that, those rigid iron boxes, makes me wonder how many beautiful people we miss because they are not made in our image.

Through my dating experiences, my first boyfriend’s words have proven themselves true time and time again. I’ve found myself sitting at dinner with a man, thinking about the ways that I would have to change to make something work. It might be something as simple as changing a hair color or picking up a habit. It might be as complex as changing my passion for something because he doesn’t understand or isn’t supportive of it.

And then I remember that line of logic is stupid.

When you change in a moment for the slimmest of chances at a lifetime of love, you’re already losing the bet. I’m not talking character, so please don’t misread that. When it comes to character, the person you are with should inspire you to become the better version of who you are. They’ll teach you to quit playing games and be step boldly into the role that God created you to take. What I’m talking about here is purely about the physical.

If you have to alter yourself in order to please someone else and purchase their affection for a moment, your heart is dying just a little bit. You’ll always have those fears of not being enough nag at the back of your mind. You’ll never be secure, wondering if when you gain a few pounds or get a few zits, the love and loyalty will cease. Love does not dwell with fear.

That’s what my first boyfriend taught me. There’s someone out there who will inspire you to be a better person. They won’t sit there, waiting to find a flaw so they can expel you from their presence. They will look at you with kindness and love the person they see staring back at them. Wait for them. Find them. They are out there.

 

What did you learn from the first person you dated?